May, thank you for weighing in. Yes, I agree with all of your points. I appreciate you highlighting them the way that you did. I will continue to think about them.

I do think some of my irritations with him have always been there, and perhaps I now feel more entitled to express them, and also I know he listens to me now. In the past, I feel he would brush things under the rug, and just do as I asked, and then I was the more "controlling" one in our M. He allowed for that, instead of standing up to me, and that built further resentment. I think he was building resentment towards me for many years and I was oblivious because he often presented as the Nice Guy, Mr fix it, Mr wonderful H and dad. So now I have the challenge of understanding the difference between a trigger and what points I just disagree with him on.

Yes, I am the most guilty of wearing rosy-glasses. We stayed in that "honey moon phase" for far too many years. I almost had him on a pedestal. People would even complement us on how cute or in love we were and I put a lot of energy into our R. Perhaps I had this idea of who he was and how I wanted to see him. And he frequently reinforced those ideas by being so nice, warm and accommodating. Friends and family loved him and could always rely on him to help out or drive kids around, etc. He wouldn't disagree or put up resistance to things. A lot of posters use terms here quite loosely, including the Mr Nice Guy term, but in all the men I have met in my life, my H fits the description completely. Again, what I didn't see was that he was suffocating and building resentment. I think I also was critical and controlling and the bad guy in our R, but in hind sight I think I was also frustrated that he didn't stand up for himself and was losing respect for him, as I saw him as a door mat at times.

I really like your idea of building something new together. We have tried at times, but not with enough dedication, and so nothing sticks. I also need to prioritize the time with him, and not pour all of our time into the kids. I guess where I am stuck now is finding that desire/motivation, and if I can't find it, I just need to make the decision and do it. I think I also grapple with being the person who has to bring this forward and pitch the ideas. He will most likely agree and go along with it (that is still very much who he is), but I somehow hold onto hope that he will be a leader and have the wherewithal to plan something for us.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela