I’m not sure how many people still here remember me. I’ve gone by several names over the course of the years I was posting, but the most recent included Kaizen, Darknes and MoveFrwd. It’s been a long time since I e posted and I wanted to give an update and then ask some opinions on something that is bothering me.
<Update> My XW and I separated in 4/2015. We have two daughters together who were 6 and 3 and who are now 10 and 7. I was heartbroken but she was dead set on moving forward with D and it was finalized by 11/2015. We pretty much agreed on custody and financials and there wasn’t really anything to get in the way. Around that time I met a new woman and we started dating around the same time the D became final. XW had meanwhile moved in with OP and they were married in 2016. Meanwhile, my new relationship continued to progress incredibly and we were actually married in January of 2019 after three years of dating. Everything is going wonderfully between us. My daughters adore her and I could not be happier.
<Question> Let me preface this by saying that the relationship between my XW and me is not good. In all of the communication that we have, I do my beat to remain open and collaborative but it is very clear that she has no interest in that sort of dialogue. When there are issues with the girls at school or at home, she is quick to point the point the finger at me and is not interested in working together to resolve anything. I know that it reads like I’m perfect and I’m certainly not, but the key is that I would be happy to remain on friendly terms with her (even if we aren’t friends) and she has shown that that is not a priority for her.
I also want to say that I am very careful to not talk poorly about her to either of my daughters. I believe that it is important for them to have their own relationships with her and it isn’t my place to try to influence that with my own biases.
I would also add that I think that my daughters have “more” when they are at my house rather than their moms. I’m paying her CS still, but her new H has multiple kids as well and their parenting time coincides. So there is more quality time, more space and probably more disposable income when the kids are with me. Now...we also put a heavy priority on quality time with the kids when we have them, so while some discrepancy may be from resource availability, we are definitely applying those resources at what feels like a much higher rate.
So I am at a loss of how to handle this situation. I don’t have a lot of divorced friends and those I do don’t have kids. So I’m hopeful to call upon the collective wisdom here!
My oldest daughter has started complaining regularly to ya about how her mom treats her when she is at the other house. This started a couple weeks ago at school when she started crying to herself because she was thinking about how her mom treats her. When I picked her up, she seemed ‘off’ so we talked with her and it turned into a several hour discussion about all the ways that she feels wronged. There are many examples, but I think the crux of it boils down to her feeling unloved while she is there. My youngest can be a handful, and my oldest feels like the expectation from XW is for her to “manage” her. If anything happens, my oldest gets yelled at or gets “in trouble”. At the same time, she does not feel like she gets any special time or other treatment to counterbalance the stress of that expectation. I believe that she feels like a burden to her mom while she is there.
The other problem is that my XW is a very large personality and can be quite intimidating. My oldest is very fearful of getting in trouble and does not like confrontation in the slightest. We have talked to her about talking to her mom on several occasions but she is not willing to make that step. We’ve offered to have her jot notes to herself or even write a letter to her mom, but even that is too much for her.
My main concern here is the happiness of my daughter. I am not worried about her safety. She is being fed and cared for. There is no immediate physical danger to her. But I am worried about the emotional well being and the future relationship she will have with her mom. The way I see it, there are three options, but none of them are good.
1) keep supporting my daughter and encouraging her to reach out to her mother. We’ve said that XW can’t change until she understands the problem. We are trying to give her all of the tools she needs to be able to have a discussion successfully.
2) I could contact XW directly. My daughter has explicitly asked me not to for fear of getting in trouble. I want to respect her wishes. I also am worried about this route based on past experience. I believe that if this message comes from me or my wife, that it will be ignored or misheard. I do not expect it to have much impact if the words are mine.
3) XWs mom and I still have a very decent and cordial reaction. When we see each other at various events, we can hold a conversation without any tension or stress. In fact, my parents and XWs parents has a get together in 2018. We have floated the idea of a meetup between my daughter and XWs mom so that someone “on that side” can have some awareness and my daughter seems to think that might be ok. But at the same, Ive been here long enough to know that it’s likely XW won’t listen to her either. I’m not so sure the relationship between XW and her mom - they used to be close, but I think her mom still grieves the end of our relationship to some degree.
So.....I’m looking for thoughts. A sounding board. Any other suggestions. It is painful to see my daughter upset and I know there’s not anything that I can do to “fix” the relationship that she has with her mother.
