Guilt. Realization that he is justified in a lot of his complaints - not all. I DB'd him once. Why can't I just get to business again??? I didn't keep up my end of things.. the things I did that got his attention and he stayed have appeared to be smoke screens on his part. Last time he was saying all the words... this time he is doing all the action with those words.
Yep I get that. I was a horrible husband leading up to BD. But guess what, that doesn't justify what he is doing, or make it right. Unless you are physically abusive, cheating, or engaging in dangerous toxic behavior what he is doing is not justifiable. Own your actions that contributed to the problems in your marriage. Stop taking the blame for the choice he is making. Last I checked "For better or for worse" covers gaining 28 lbs, being a bit controlling, not being as affectionate as you could be, and not letting him spend you into the poor house. That is what MC is for. It in no way justifies pulling up stakes and bailing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Guilt. Realization that he is justified in a lot of his complaints - not all. I DB'd him once. Why can't I just get to business again??? I didn't keep up my end of things.. the things I did that got his attention and he stayed have appeared to be smoke screens on his part. Last time he was saying all the words... this time he is doing all the action with those words.
Yep I get that. I was a horrible husband leading up to BD. But guess what, that doesn't justify what he is doing, or make it right. Unless you are physically abusive, cheating, or engaging in dangerous toxic behavior what he is doing is not justifiable. Own your actions that contributed to the problems in your marriage. Stop taking the blame for the choice he is making. Last I checked "For better or for worse" covers gaining 28 lbs, being a bit controlling, not being as affectionate as you could be, and not letting him spend you into the poor house. That is what MC is for. It in no way justifies pulling up stakes and bailing.
I came home... he is awake and rattling that the atty called and woke him up so he is very angry.
He tells me I have to get rid of the time share... he got us into that.
He is like I cant give health benefits if we divorce... how much is healthcare for you??? Idk. And he is angry at me.
I need to validate but I'm lost.. yes I know it must have been awful waiting for me to get life insurance... I got denied and had to wait... but then I got it.
But I'm just subdued. And he starts asking why I am on meds now...
Guilt. Realization that he is justified in a lot of his complaints - not all. I DB'd him once. Why can't I just get to business again??? I didn't keep up my end of things.. the things I did that got his attention and he stayed have appeared to be smoke screens on his part. Last time he was saying all the words... this time he is doing all the action with those words.
Yep I get that. I was a horrible husband leading up to BD. But guess what, that doesn't justify what he is doing, or make it right. Unless you are physically abusive, cheating, or engaging in dangerous toxic behavior what he is doing is not justifiable. Own your actions that contributed to the problems in your marriage. Stop taking the blame for the choice he is making. Last I checked "For better or for worse" covers gaining 28 lbs, being a bit controlling, not being as affectionate as you could be, and not letting him spend you into the poor house. That is what MC is for. It in no way justifies pulling up stakes and bailing.
I want to have hope.... I want to do the work....
That's fine. But you have to realize there is no magic bullet. We all come here wanting that. "Tell me what to say to fix this!" "Tell me what to do to fix this!" That is why LBSs spend so much time dissecting their sitch, looking for those things that you can change to turn it around. I get the impression that you think if:
1) You lose weight 2) Stop being controlling 3) Let him spend all the money he wants 4) Show him loads of affection
That he will come home one day and go, "You fixed it all! Let's walk into the sunset together holding hands."
Likely there are things at play here that have NOTHING.....NOTHING AT ALL to do with you.
SO yes, have hope. And yes do the work. But do the work for you. Not for him. Not to save the MR. Do the work so that your next R, whether with him or someone new, has the best chance of lasting the rest of your (or their) life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You can't fix him. You can't control him...but you can fix yourself and only control you and how you react to his behavior. Go back and re-read all of the postings to you. You have been given a lot of sage advice. It's time now to breathe, sit down and re-read all of the info that people have been posting to you. The one thing that I will say is that you and your h may be playing the distancer/pursuer dance. One minute he's nice to you and you come closer to him and then bam! He's back to being a distant person.
I do not think for one minute that you should be shouldering all of the blame of this mess. As I have stated several times, he has major issues and I think that once things get comfortable, he looks for excuses to leave the marriage...and yes, there very well could be an affair partner, i.e, on the job, i.e., physical or emotional affair. He is saying and doing the exact same things he did the last time around 2 years ago.
He is using any and all excuses to walk away from this relationship. The fact that you've put on weight is no excuse and yes, you can lose the weight. What about him? I'm sure he's changed quite a bit in the last two years. No one stays the same and there are things that we can do to improve ourselves....but we do the improvements for us...not them. You have to be happy within your own skin. It is not your job to make him happy. Happiness comes from within and this man hasn't been happy for a very, very long time. IT IS NOT YOU....IT IS HIM.
Get off the crazy train and start detaching even more so. You are allowing him to hold you hostage in an emotional cage. Don't allow this man to do that. You are a person and should be treated with respect.
KC, we can post to you all day long, but until you are ready to get off that crazy train and really and truly focus on you and what you need to get through each day...nothing will change.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Left work a hot mess and went to Dr and I'm now on medication lets see if this helps.
After leaving H to deal with timeshare alone I went to meet with my mom. It was loud where we were and H called. I told him I couldn't hear him I would call later... that didn't work... he was like where are you? I didn't answer. Where are you? I just avoided the question. I told him I was cold standing outside trying to hear him.
I wouldn't answer his questions but I did let him know I have not been sleeping, with a great deal of hurt and a lot happening at work. Its temporary.
He went on to say that he was upset getting woken up by atty call and not able to go back to sleep and that he has a busy day tomorrow and was supposed to look at houses but 2 cancelled and he is not sure he likes his realtor. I just validated and said that must be very frustrating for you. But, I cut the call short and said I needed to go.
Had time with my mom.
Came home expecting H to be in bed but he is still up. He wants to talk. Great. He goes on to admit that the atty is tech his and if I have questions to write them down, etc. He will ask. I have told him I not sure its a good idea but he stated the atty is only to file and we will be doing grunt work. I'm really not wanting to get into it. He talks about plans for X, Y, Z... I'm on burnout.
He states he is sorry for the hurt he has caused me. He means it.
He said that I've shown him more respect in the last 2 weeks than in a long time. And, that ladies and gentlemen is proof from the worst DB'er on the boards in the last month that a 180 change no matter how small is noticed by your spouse.
Of course... it was followed up by I DON'T LOVE YOU.
He wants this over and done quickly. He just wants to move on.
I left him to go to bed. Started hanging with the dogs. We aren't doing anything unusal but he comes out of the room in a huff stating this is why he can't sleep when I am home we are all making too much noise. I said I'm sorry its been so difficult to sleep today but the puppy isn't getting enough exercise. I will pack up the dogs and go.
He said no and went back to bed. I quieted everyone down and settled down to read and he is back up and in the room I am in. He says he is just really frustrated that a house he was supposed to look at tomorrow cancelled due to flu. I reply that's unfortunate but it can be rescheduled as its not like it sold. He then complained about a lack of inventory in what he was looking for - I simply replied that the market will pick up in the spring. He goes back to bed again.
5min later he is back up and pacing. I probably shouldn't have done this but as I sat in another room I asked if he simply wanted to go have dinner and give himself something to do. He said no and I didn't bat an eye... I really didn't care. A few min later he asked if I was hungry. I said for something light/easy like chips and salsa. He asked if I were up to go get it as he wasn't up for getting out of his jams yet. I said fine and got dinner.
As we are eating he keeps going over the numbers. I stay up beat and let him lead but after awhile I said we are doing all this speculation. Let's wait for the bonus so we have an actual number to attach to things and in the meantime lets put these numbers to bed at least for few hours. I picked up everything that had been sitting at the spot on the table and moved it to the corner of the room.
He did dishes again for the day. I went to another room. He continued to flit about. I asked he if would be home for another 30min. He said he would but why. I said I'm going to work - his reply but you didn't work today. I said I was there a 1/2 day and there was an emergency that arrived as I left. I have been getting txt updates but I need to go. It will be a short trip.
When I got home he headed out and I did my own thing. He said I won't be back in the morning I've got houses to look at... Me: ok... feeling very whatever at the moment.
I came to the computer and found out I forgot to log out of facebook... he was reading my messages to a dear friend who has been my rock in this.. I feel violated. And a bit uneasy... This friend of mine allows me to vent in text messages to him because he knows what I am going through and he helps me see through the pain. My private thoughts and how I'm trying to make this less of a battleground. Nothing I can do about it now.
BELIEVE NOTHING HE SAYS AND ONLY 50% OF WHAT HE DOES
I'm going to settle into my jacuzzi tub for some me time.
He goes on to admit that the atty is tech his and if I have questions to write them down, etc. He will ask. I have told him I not sure its a good idea but he stated the atty is only to file and we will be doing grunt work.
He's retained an attorney to look out for his interests. I'd strongly consider hiring your own. Hiring an attorney isn't necessarily adversarial--it just ensures your interests and rights are protected.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I came to the computer and found out I forgot to log out of facebook... he was reading my messages to a dear friend who has been my rock in this.. I feel violated.
I bet. That sounds terrible, KitCat.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm going to settle into my jacuzzi tub for some me time.
Sounds like a wonderful plan. I almost want to "join" you--in my own tub for my own private time, of course! A bookstore or gym is more in-line with my personal goals tonight. Take care!
He goes on to admit that the atty is tech his and if I have questions to write them down, etc. He will ask. I have told him I not sure its a good idea but he stated the atty is only to file and we will be doing grunt work.
He's retained an attorney to look out for his interests. I'd strongly consider hiring your own. Hiring an attorney isn't necessarily adversarial--it just ensures your interests and rights are protected.
My mom made appt and paid 1/2 deposit on a b*ll buster for me. Its 4 weeks out so I have plenty of time to weigh all the pros and cons.
Last edited by job; 02/20/2002:57 PM. Reason: edited language
KC excellent DB progress today. Well done. The couple of slip ups (asking him to go eat, going and getting his food for him) were minor and you'll correct those as you get better at it. But all in all an excellent day if DBing. Also, give the meds time. Usually takes about 3 weeks to kick in.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/20/2002:38 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
