Guilt. Realization that he is justified in a lot of his complaints - not all. I DB'd him once. Why can't I just get to business again??? I didn't keep up my end of things.. the things I did that got his attention and he stayed have appeared to be smoke screens on his part. Last time he was saying all the words... this time he is doing all the action with those words.
Yep I get that. I was a horrible husband leading up to BD. But guess what, that doesn't justify what he is doing, or make it right. Unless you are physically abusive, cheating, or engaging in dangerous toxic behavior what he is doing is not justifiable. Own your actions that contributed to the problems in your marriage. Stop taking the blame for the choice he is making. Last I checked "For better or for worse" covers gaining 28 lbs, being a bit controlling, not being as affectionate as you could be, and not letting him spend you into the poor house. That is what MC is for. It in no way justifies pulling up stakes and bailing.
I want to have hope.... I want to do the work....
That's fine. But you have to realize there is no magic bullet. We all come here wanting that. "Tell me what to say to fix this!" "Tell me what to do to fix this!" That is why LBSs spend so much time dissecting their sitch, looking for those things that you can change to turn it around. I get the impression that you think if:
1) You lose weight 2) Stop being controlling 3) Let him spend all the money he wants 4) Show him loads of affection
That he will come home one day and go, "You fixed it all! Let's walk into the sunset together holding hands."
Likely there are things at play here that have NOTHING.....NOTHING AT ALL to do with you.
SO yes, have hope. And yes do the work. But do the work for you. Not for him. Not to save the MR. Do the work so that your next R, whether with him or someone new, has the best chance of lasting the rest of your (or their) life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
