I believe I am overdue for an update! I apologize I have not gotten to your threads. I have not been good about keeping up with threads and only check here occasionally, so I tend to mostly read the ones I have previously started. I also find myself triggered by reading here and want to be mindful of what I post or how I react. After I read, I try and step away and reflect on how things affect me and why, rather than just dish out more advice. There has also been some conflict arising in some threads, and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to create space for that in my life, and especially with strangers. I will try my best to not engage and be mindful of what I post, but I really do not like reading negativity from others.
My sitch is coming up on 5 years since my H ended his A and did a rather quick 180. I don't think about OW or the A much anymore, because it doesn't serve me. He did everything he could do to be remorseful, transparent and commit to piecing. I try and look forward now because the wounds do heal in time. My H is a very nice man, father and provider. He is warm, present and I believe honest. My irritations with him are not deal breakers and more so imperfections -- I would like him to discipline the kids more, plan more things for us and for our family, and I think he needs to GAL for himself, rather than solely be present for us. I think he has a way of putting others first, and not himself, and perhaps many years ago that attributed to his resentment towards me, which preceded the A and BD.
At times I feel there is something missing between us, but I also know I keep my guard up. It is also difficult not to compare our connection to pre-BD days. We get along okay most days and I think we do a good job of balancing work, household duties and the kids' activities. Our kids have a lot of activities, so many evenings are consumed by driving them around. I think it is wonderful for them, but it also takes away from family dinners or time that we should be spending together. When we do spend time together, even nice time, it is still not the same level of closeness we shared for many years before BD. I still don't know how to best create that. We went on a date recently, got in an argument, and I just raged at him. It's like this anger bubbles to the surface and I wonder why it is still there and so strong.
I know cognitively I have to work on building a stronger connection between us, but I also lack a basic desire or motivation. I also find myself annoyed at him about little things. He says I expect him to be perfect. I don't know how true that is, but I do feel myself irritated about things that seem unreasonable to be upset about. It is hard to have to frequently talk myself out of it. Not sure that makes sense. ... I also need to be better at self care. It is easy to fall back into old habits. I have been spending time reading a good book and less time reading here, which I think is good for me. I also have an awesome trip recently with my BFF and that always feeds my soul. I don't put a lot of energy into building closeness with H, but again, I can't seem to find that desire.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
