I’ve come a long way. My fear of D is mostly gone. It still makes me a bit nervous, but it’s not a road I want to run from anymore.
Was there a turning point for you when this happened, wooba, or is just something you've gradually come to realize about your feelings? I feel like I'm cycling through this, where I have moments of acceptance and knowing D is out of my control so I don't have to fear it, but that's not a constant state of mind for me yet.
Originally Posted by wooba
I still mourn the lost of the immense love I had for him. The pain reminds me that I’m human, no matter how detached I think I am, these feeling still creep up sometimes. Like grieving a death. I’m GALing, yet the minute my mind has an empty spot, it is immediately filled with thoughts about the state of our M. My life is mostly sunshine, along with this melancholy I can’t shake off. Right now I’m tapping into that part of me- it pulls me back to the reality. I feel like when I’m feeling too detached, too lighthearted, too “not-giving-a-damn”, is when I need to check myself and examine my wounds. Have I healed as much as I thought I have? Am I keeping up a front or do I really feel this way? Sometimes being self-aware is exhausting.
Yes to all of this. "The pain reminds me that I'm human...." I needed to hear that reminder. It is not something to run from, it just IS. Something to move through and let move through you. One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. Somehow seeing signs of spring here—redbuds blooming, leaf buds on lilac bushes—reminds me of that too. No hurry.
Also, gosh, it seems so much chattier here than in MLC-land! Haha.
