H spent 2 nights last week with the OW. I know this because he leaves D14 home alone. One night she was at a sleepover but the next morning he couldn't be bothered to pick her up. Didn't even answer her texts then lied about where he was. The other night he was supposed to be on a business trip. He threw a fit and wanted D17 to stay there (she didn't). He came home "supposedly" for a meeting but didn't come home. Lied and said he didn't want to bother D17 since she was there (she wasn't).
I'm still struggling with being replaced after 30 years. He's out having fun while all our lives got turned upside down.
Hang in there! You have gotten some great advice and I don't even know that I can add to it, other than to focus on yourself and your kids. It is so hard, especially when you are the not the one who wants the D. I read a few of your newcomer posts after you moved here just to catch up a bit and I really empathize with you and your situation. I wasn't married as long as you, but my XH just up and decided he was done then I found out after the fact there was OW. I didn't want a D at first either, but I quickly found this site and learned valuable things like letting go of the rope and not chasing/begging etc. It absolutely saved me. Someone asked you on a post in newcomers why you were posting if you didn't want to save your marriage (I'm paraphrasing here, of course, because that is not exactly how it was worded), but STAND STRONG, kas. When I came here, I wasn't necessarily looking to save my M either, though I wasn't opposed to it in the initial stages, but XH walked and dropped the rope so quickly that I needed some guidance and some support and I found it here. The posters here are amazing, but you have to remember we are all different people in different phases of what we are going through and we all handle things and react to things differently, so what works for one may or may not work for another. I dragged my feet a bit, not even necessarily waiting for reconciliation, and the one thing I wish I had done differently is I wish I had gone and filed as soon as my XH said he was done.
I don't know if you are interested, if it is something you have thought about, or even something you are willing to entertain, but I started counseling pretty soon after bomb drop and it was the best thing I could've done for myself. Unless you are just vehemently opposed to it, for whatever your reasons are which you totally don't have to share here, at least consider it. It might be something that really helps you put things in perspective.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm hit or miss posting because work is killing me. I feel comforted knowing I'm not alone.
I look back and think I wish I had filed when he said he was done just to save my dignity. In hindsight though had I filed his attorney would have told him to just say "no" since I live in a fault state. Until I found out about the OW I had no grounds and he didn't have to give me a D until he was ready to do so. Had a shot at temporary support but I blew it.
I'm in a kinda of IC/support group combo. Everyone says I'm doing well that my latest crazy has to do with court and worrying over how he will respond.
I thought for sure he'd come back eventually. He even threw me crumbs saying he was thinking about it. In July though he changed it to "done". I caught him texting her but he denied it saying it was his sister but I knew. Hoped I was wrong but I knew.
He was sick, got shingles, cried all the time, stomach issues, surely these are not the signs of a man in the arms of OW. I feel so stupid. I assumed that misery and not filing for D meant 2nd thoughts. Nope.
Also worried about alimony. CS is a percentage of income but alimony is up to the judges discretion. I meet all the criteria for lifetime alimony it's just a matter of how much. He's got dividends from a trust fund that may or may not be marital money. My L thinks they will count since we used those to fund our lifestyle. If it's based on earned income then I'm headed to the ghetto once CS ends (4 years).
My L says I got a good judge who values homemakers and cheating will be frowned upon. Thing is I can't prove it. S19 caught him but I won't make him testify. He doesn't even know S19 walked in on them. Our story is people at work told me (true). He's openly dating her so I'm not sure why my L didn't want me to hire a PI but I'll leave the lawyering up to her.
Unless you are in a "fault" jurisdiction infidelity doesn't matter for the legal case. Yes, it can influence the amount of sympathy you get but has no bearing so hiring a PI would just be a waste of money. Most judges undoubtedly don't have any patience for mud-slinging or drama. They want the facts, make a decision based on precedent, bang the gavel and go off to their golf game.
Stating that it has caused you mental distress and that you were blind-sided and unprepared to be suddenly single does have merit though. Reading back you appear to be roughly my age or even a hair older with a long term marriage. Nobody expects this.
If you are in a fault jurisdiction, you may want to check to see if the "alienation of affection" laws are in place. They allow you to sue OW. Not something that is perhaps worth it in most cases, but a quiver in your arsenal of "don't mess with me or I'll stop being nice".
The trust fund is undoubtedly a tricky issue. If the funds have been co-mingled and it sounds like the dividends have been, that makes it marital income / asset. Not knowing the structure of the trust fund makes it hard to suggest, but from my higher earner side of the fence, a deal where I could make a lump sum payment (I didn't get that) was my preference. Could part of the trust fund just be signed over instead of alimony? That also prevents him from dissipating it and then pleading poverty. We read here all the time about court orders being made and then the spouse not following through or whinging and complaining about every nickel.
Good luck!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
If you have access to your old phone records there are likely hundreds of calls to the OW in those records. That might be helpful documentation.
I paid the bills for 28 years so everything is tied to me. The phone however is in his name but emails, text messages and the bill came to me. I tried logging in to see if there were calls to one number but since it was in his name I couldn't get it. To nice him back I did change the address so he'd get the bill. I get everything else.
I'm in that place where I want to inflict pain or at the very least irritate him (my IC says this will pass). His bank account got hacked and he lost $1500 (I swear I didn't do it) therefore some of the bills I set up on automatic pay bounced. The phone bill was one of them. Delete, delete, delete. Not my problem. He's also tried to get a replacement cc that is tied to me. No dice. Tried to get some medical bills paid. Nope.
The kids say he's struggling with the budget. He's not good with money so he has no idea that I'm even getting the emails and text messages.
Unless you are in a "fault" jurisdiction infidelity doesn't matter for the legal case
I'm in a true fault state. The alienation of affection law is in place but my L hasn't mentioned it....yet. So far she thinks my key witnesses, elected officials, will make him and his L back down.
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Reading back you appear to be roughly my age or even a hair older with a long term marriage. Nobody expects this.
I'm 53 and have been with him for 30 years. He was depressed but blamed it on work. BD he took it all back and said it was me. Said he dreaded coming home and that he had to drink to tolerate me. We were still cuddling on the couch and so yes I was blindsided. He's now living on meat and booze. Atkins? He is thin. I hate this part. He still looks good and I'm just old.
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The trust fund is undoubtedly a tricky issue. If the funds have been co-mingled and it sounds like the dividends have been, that makes it marital income / asset. Not knowing the structure of the trust fund makes it hard to suggest, but from my higher earner side of the fence, a deal where I could make a lump sum payment (I didn't get that) was my preference. Could part of the trust fund just be signed over instead of alimony? That also prevents him from dissipating it and then pleading poverty. We read here all the time about court orders being made and then the spouse not following through or whinging and complaining about every nickel.
My L says judges in the past have ruled dividends as marital money. I've read the trust cover to cover and it is protected from divorce. Had he not commingled the dividends those would have been protected as well.
My H doesn't even know I'm divorcing him yet so I'm super early in this process. He'd like me to take a lump sum but the amount he originally offered was a joke of epic proportions. If my math is right he'd have to pay me half his trust fund to make this work and he's not going to do that. I'm entitled to his pension which would offset this meaning he'd owe me less of the trust fund but it's not subject to erisa which means he could stiff me there too. I can't support myself on what I make so there is that.
Changed my mind I think he'd have to liquidate most of the trust to pay me off but then he'd keep his pension. He could make me go away and he'd still have twice as much money as me. He's not good with money so despite it being in his best interest to do this he won't. Men almost always have more money after the D and my H is no exception. If he invested well he could save a TON before he died to leave to the kids which is his goal but nope. He will take the pricier more painful option.
