He is out of town. I initiated no contact. I did not check his email. I did not look at the location finder on my phone to try and figure out where he is, etc. He did call me right before he went to bed, and I let it go to VM.
I did end up talking to him though as I picked my daughter up from rehearsal and she was talking to him on the car's bluetooth. I kept it light and casual. When he says, "just wanted to see how your day was'" I want to tell him EXACTLY how my day went thanks to his sorry butt but instead I said, "Great, thanks!" I kept it short. He was obviously tired and wanted to go to bed. I ended the call first. I said, "well, hope you have a good day tomorrow. Bye!"
uuuugggghhhhhh.
Well done. That is perfect!
As far as the ice-cream story, yeah that stinks. I can remember many times, driving home after my trips to the gun range (my best and favorite GAL activity) where it would hit me again after not being on my mind the entire time I was at the range, "we are getting a D". Nobody has claimed this stuff is easy. As I said, i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But as long as you have those moments, and still handle things like you did last night, then you are on your way to recovery. Here is the good news, that recovery gives you the best chance at attracting him back! And it does guarantee that you will be fine, no matter what he decides.
Keep up the good work!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He is out of town. I initiated no contact. I did not check his email. I did not look at the location finder on my phone to try and figure out where he is, etc. He did call me right before he went to bed, and I let it go to VM.
I did end up talking to him though as I picked my daughter up from rehearsal and she was talking to him on the car's bluetooth. I kept it light and casual. When he says, "just wanted to see how your day was'" I want to tell him EXACTLY how my day went thanks to his sorry butt but instead I said, "Great, thanks!" I kept it short. He was obviously tired and wanted to go to bed. I ended the call first. I said, "well, hope you have a good day tomorrow. Bye!"
uuuugggghhhhhh.
Well done. That is perfect!
As far as the ice-cream story, yeah that stinks. I can remember many times, driving home after my trips to the gun range (my best and favorite GAL activity) where it would hit me again after not being on my mind the entire time I was at the range, "we are getting a D". Nobody has claimed this stuff is easy. As I said, i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But as long as you have those moments, and still handle things like you did last night, then you are on your way to recovery. Here is the good news, that recovery gives you the best chance at attracting him back! And it does guarantee that you will be fine, no matter what he decides.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for your advice as always. It's been invaluable. You were right about how hard it is not to answer the phone. Not even because I felt like i needed to talk to him, but because I felt like I was being a jerk. I felt so rude. But I watched some MWD videos last night and reread the LRT section and Carol and Dean's story which took months. I do take comfort that if he continues determined on his D path, I can be okay.
Gun range is a good idea for GAL.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
He is out of town. I initiated no contact. I did not check his email. I did not look at the location finder on my phone to try and figure out where he is, etc. He did call me right before he went to bed, and I let it go to VM.
I did end up talking to him though as I picked my daughter up from rehearsal and she was talking to him on the car's bluetooth. I kept it light and casual. When he says, "just wanted to see how your day was'" I want to tell him EXACTLY how my day went thanks to his sorry butt but instead I said, "Great, thanks!" I kept it short. He was obviously tired and wanted to go to bed. I ended the call first. I said, "well, hope you have a good day tomorrow. Bye!"
uuuugggghhhhhh.
This is how you DB with style!
PS:Happy Birthday..Go do something special for yourself
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Oh, so you got the videos? Do you like them? I think they are really good.
working on it!!!!
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
he wants me to think of a plan/research child time-sharing etc. Should I avoid this?
I hit on this earlier. Do your research, but do not share what you find with H any time in the immediate future.
Ultimately, what is good for the kids, is equal and frequent contact with both parents.
Agreed. The tricky part is how much he travels. I am trying to explain my sitch without providing too many personal details, but basically he travels every other week for work. So he wants the week he comes home for me to leave. And go...somewhere. So his life doesn't change at all except for me to disappear from it. He has his out of state routine and place, and then he will slide back in home. First of all, I would prefer not to share the same space as him, and second, his plan sounds traumatic for me. I am still angry I have to give up my kids at all due to his wayward ways. But I have dealt with so much pain the last few years I have no desire to drag it out in ugliness. None. But I do have to advocate for my future. He got mad that I didn't think his plan was perfect. and treated me like I was the mean ex wife who wants to take him to the cleaners. Which is ridiculous.He just doesn't feel he can afford a second space for himself. Well then how are you going to afford divorce.
I seriously can barely handle the thought of these awful decisions. Breaking up a family is horrible.
Last edited by oceangrl; 02/20/2007:01 AM.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Do what is right for you. If you don't want to move out then don't move out then don't. You don't need to accept something just because it is what he wants.
He is trying to find options that work for him. Not you. When my H was in the throes of his craziness (before he MO) he applied for a job overseas. He knew the terms of the contracts being offered would mean at the very least he would be away for three weeks and not back for more than a week but he thought this would be ok for me and the children. Now, my H, if nothing else, loves his children. In my H's thinking, this was the perfect solution - he could run away without running away and no-one would be the wiser. They ARE NOT thinking rationally. Your H has probably thought this through many times and he has (somehow) come to the conclusion that it WILL WORK. He thinks his plan is perfect.
Originally Posted by Oceangrl
He got mad that I didn't think his plan was perfect. and treated me like I was the mean ex wife who wants to take him to the cleaners
Do not get pulled into a conversation where you are having to explain your reasons for not moving out. Like I said, he has thought this through in his mind and it is perfect. He has rationalised away all the holes.
When he brings it up (and yes, wait for him to bring it up) simply say "I understand that you think this is a workable option. It isn't. I am not moving out and I will not discuss it with you any more".
You are not going to change his mind. But that doesn't mean you have to accept what he says.
OG, his suggestion is ridiculous. You absolutely do not have to accept this. You are losing your H, your children a week at a time and now you lose your home every other week as well? I can’t even comprehend how your H thinks that is acceptable!! (But I guess we don’t comprehend most of what goes on their heads).
My H has also discussed having the children a week at a time due to working away (which will be every other week too). Whilst I don’t want this for myself , I don’t want this for the children. I know full well that they will not want to go without seeing me for a week at a time. They won’t want to be with him for a week at a time either. At the moment he is away every week for 3 days. For as long as they have been alive he has had a job which takes him away from home. He walks out, he walks in, he walks out again, I am their constant, I am the one they are emotionally connected to. Of course they love him, but he’s not a nurturer, and he doesn’t relate at all well to the needs of two teenage girls, which he himself admits to.
Your H is completely detached emotionally from the needs of his children. In his crazy mind, as long as a parent is present they will be fine. He doesn’t understand the relationship they have with you and the relationship they have with him. He is not their constant, he is not always there for them and they will feel that already. He abandons them every other week, imagine how they will feel if mum starts doing the same?
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I "Nested" with my ex for awhile. I don't recommend it. Stand on your beliefs. Don't leave while he is there. He can find a new place and get it setup for the kids if he wants this so bad.
W:"I don't want this divorce, but if it is the ONLY way for you to be happy I will not stand in your way. I believe it is best that I stay in this house"
H:"Bla bla bla bla"
W:"I am sorry you feel that way"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
