By doing what I usually do and what you suggested I don't really answer her question I just tell her what I am going to do. More than anything I am realizing this is what completely destroyed our marriage. If she asked me something no matter how I answered or not answered she took offense to it and became the victim. If I just took an action then she felt it abusive in some way. An example would be she wanted to know if she was allowed to buy uniforms for work. If I said yes then she said see I have to ask for approval, if I said no we are tight on budget this week then I was controlling, if I said you don't need my permission then I wasn't husband showing leadership, if I said anything about this question being unfair and putting me in role of a parent rather than a partner then she accused me of being angry. Always love your advice AS and working on becoming thicker skinned but I hate that she always asks questions that seem designed to trap me.
I 100% get what you are saying, even though you know it's not about you it still hurts to be treated like she treats you. It is frankly emotional and mental abuse. You are handling things really well, I definitely respect your ability to keep cool and calm and collected in the face of her behavior.
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the problem is she never stays for the whole visit and then I am blamed for it. My lawyer said well XW has physical custody and if she brings her back early then you don't need to worry about it as long as you aren't the one picking her up or convincing her to come back early.
That's exactly what I was going to say. If W brings her back early then so be it (assuming it doesn't mess with your schedule). If she wants to blame you for HER bringing D back early, well that's just laughable.
It sure sounds like she has some very real mental issues. I do some work in a mental hospital, as an architect but I am around the patients a lot and observe their behavior. The really scary ones are the ones that have a very normal outward middle upper class appearance and can engage you with very normal conversation. Then they hit you with the "crazy". It's so weird and unexpected that it could easily make you think you're the crazy one, that you are hearing wrong or interpreting wrong. It's one thing being in a mental hospital because you know who the patients are, but these people out in the real world could really cause some havoc. What you describe about your W reminds me of some of those patients. I'm sure she's not in IC either, but man she sure could use it.
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D14 did get angry during visitation and talked to her mom about a lot of things but one of them that stood out was when she said "I can't believe you told dad you have been faking your love for him since your last affair 10 years ago." Hearing this D14 said she smirked at her and said "oh, I have been faking it a lot longer than that." Towards the end of their argument she told D14 "I know what is best for you and you are a spoiled little brat." Once again XW dropped off D14 early and once again I got an email blaming me for it.
That is borderline abusive behavior. I really feel for your D, I mean this is her mother and how sad to be treated that way by someone she wants to admire and respect and aspire to. It's terrible.
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Both D14's therapist and my own therapist are working on getting us to except XW for who she is. We don't need to agree with her actions, values, morals, beliefs, but accept that this is the person she is and we can't change that. We both need to let go of the idea of who we wanted her to be.
She sounds like poison to me. My personal experience with toxic relatives is that they can't be changed and the best approach is to cut them out of your life. Do your and D's ICs tell you to accept her and welcome her, or are they saying to accept that she is a toxic person and move to cut her out of your lives?
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Today D14 is getting a Rotary Youth Leadership award for her leadership and hard work at school and in the community. She will have to give a speech and it will be at a fancy hotel with lots of guests so she is kind of nervous. I know she will do great.
That's fantastic! Proud daddy moment for sure!
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Her mom has chosen not to attend the event.
Wow you have absolutely got to be kidding me. Could she be any worse of a mother.
