Doing my thing and hope for the best

[oceangrl]

Thanks may and wayfarer for your input. I will do nothing.

I’ve been talking about H too much. Doing a bit of retrospect here.

It’s been around 6 months since BD: “Let’s take a step back” were the exact words. Since then multiple occasions of mentioning the possibility of D from H, and twice he said he wants to D.

I’ve come a long way. My fear of D is mostly gone. It still makes me a bit nervous, but it’s not a road I want to run from anymore. I’m still trying to center my feelings toward H as detached with compassion. I have a lot of pity for him. He’s a self-destructive man with a traumatic past. I wish he would wake up more for his own sake than to R.

I still mourn the lost of the immense love I had for him. The pain reminds me that I’m human, no matter how detached I think I am, these feeling still creep up sometimes. Like grieving a death. I’m GALing, yet the minute my mind has an empty spot, it is immediately filled with thoughts about the state of our M. My life is mostly sunshine, along with this melancholy I can’t shake off. Right now I’m tapping into that part of me- it pulls me back to the reality. I feel like when I’m feeling too detached, too lighthearted, too “not-giving-a-damn”, is when I need to check myself and examine my wounds. Have I healed as much as I thought I have? Am I keeping up a front or do I really feel this way? Sometimes being self-aware is exhausting.

The kids are doing well. They miss having daddy around. I wonder if they remembered all the yelling from H when he was around and was always in his funk. In the beginning of this, every little tantrum made me nervous. “Is S acting out because daddy is not around??” “Is he having a meltdown because he has hidden anger about mom and daddy possibly divorcing??” Now I think it’s just normal kids stuff. They fight, they get mad, they cry, mostly for things that are wayyyy insignificant than what’s happening to mommy and daddy. It has been better for all of us that H is not here most of the time, and will usually only stay around when his mind is in a relatively good place.

Do I give it another 6 months? I don’t know....still taking it one day at a time. All I know is I’m not in a hurry. I’ll let the pieces fall where they may....

I can relate to all of this so much. I'm sorry. This is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Reading this, I think you are doing great. You seem to have the right outlook and frame of mind. Keep doing what you are doing.