LH, TB, agreed on all points and thanks for the direct honesty.
Ginger - I know the advice is to forget about the % and focus on what is best for the kids.
So what is best? My youngest is 4 and will hit K in 2021. All 3 are in a ton of activities - I think they are overloaded. My W thinks it is best if youngest does a part time preschool next year, and if I can’t pick up the kids after school and it impacts one of their activities then I should not have that time.
And my W constantly nods subtly to “safety concerns.” That pretty much forces my hand here, as many including LH and TB have pointed out. She can take me to court if she wants, but I won’t mediate with this tactic being used.
My W has not started working yet - her plan is to work ONE day a week while the kids are young. (We have not had a discussion about how this impacts support - she implies she will live as frugally as possible to maximize her time with the kids regardless).
I also think activity schedules should not dictate parenting time. I think we can easily work out a 50-50 schedule that works for everybody and keeps the kids active. It might not be exactly what they do now. Personally I think dance class is not as important as quality parenting time.
My hesitations about 50-50 are simple: I work FT. It may impact what my kids can do after school. I have 3 kids bunched in age. I’m not used to being the sole parent but in the last 8 months doing 30-70 I’ve learned that yes I can do this. There are easy solutions, after school programs, I can hire help to shuttle them to their sports practice one day a week. These are simple solutions that many married working parents use. My W may resist anything that involves letting go of her control but those solutions are not inherently “bad.”
So what is best for them? What if I said I would stop working for the next 4 years and live off my savings? Do I deserve more than 50-50? That is basically her stance.
It’s easy to get into circular thinking but I think what’s best for the kids is 50-50 provided both parents want involvement and it is possible to work out a schedule. Just because my W is reluctant and has a fantasy scenario that she works barely at all, keeps the house, and volunteers at school doesn’t mean it is best for the kids. That is an idealized life that we used to have.
This post has become more rambling than I intended. I think the house and my W’s reluctance to renter the work force make it really hard to discuss what’s best for the kids. Courts would look at all these factors and want a plan to restabilize our new separate lives. It is not reasonable for her to hide behind those excuses IMO.
Incidentally 2 months ago I thought my W and I had agreed to a 40-60 schedule that would have had ZERO impact to the kids schedules (other than where they sleep some nights). My W had agreed - I posted about how elated I was at the time - then she went back on it.
Anyways all the above being said, I’m happy to do what’s best for the kids but my W is not the judge and jury. I know what is best is somewhere between 40 and 50 for me. Probably time to aim for what I think is best rather than aim low.
