Wayfarer, it feels like it’s over. The way he talks about the future, the way he talks about the past. I haven’t been so strong this morning, as I’ve put a little pressure on him asking if he really is doing the right thing. He’s a mess right now. As May said, the reality of breaking this to the kids is tearing him apart. It might slow things down but it won’t change the outcome.
It means so much to be able to share this with you guys and to have you comforting me and keeping me strong in return.
This part is over. This he's in your home but isn't in your marriage part is over. You can't trust literally anything he's saying to you about how he sees the future or your past. FFS he was ready to tell your teenage girls their mother isn't as bangable as she used to be in his eyes and that's a good enough reason to get a divorce. Those are not the words of a grown a$$ man who has any idea of the difference between his head and his arse. In his head this is the beginning of the end. But you and I know the beginning of the end happened a long time ago. You can't let his skewed reality directly effect yours. If you wanna mourn what's going on right now I won't stop you. You should. This is a hot mess. I'd be tearful and angry. If you think this is your line in the sand and you're ready to throw in the towel on this whole mess I fully support that. You know your end, and your limits. But, and this is a big but, if you either don't know what you want for an outcome fully yet, or you still want to stand, I don't want you to end up in a hopeless place. That hopeless place is how we lose power in the dynamic. That's when we get desperate and we become the caged animals.
I'm just gonna leave you with a couple of my thoughts on my impending separation. And you can take it or leave it. The reason I'm just so ok with him going is that the power dynamics in our relationship are completely skewed right now. He practically holds all the power and he unfortunately knows that. The only things I have power over are the muffin shop, our bed, and what I'm willing to share with him. Because our space is small and he's decided he can't live a life without me in it even if it's just as his friend even in the case of sharing things I have no ability to properly put up boundaries, or cut off contact, or make him see what he's about to lose. He has to leave to miss me, value me, miss us, see the value in our relationship, or at the very least for me to continue on my journey to remembering who I was and finding her without his influence. I can neither win him back or move on with him looming ever present in my house. He needs to go so we can heal individually, and maybe someday together. I know that isn't going to fix the pain you're going through, and I'm so sorry for that. But I just wanted you to have some food for thought. I'll be thinking about you today ((((pommy))))
