Update - H did text that Thursday saying that he would like to try staying at our house for the weekend if that was OK with me. I said sounds good. He came home super late after running group, and was in an emotional place. Wanted to be held, etc. We were intimate for a long time. The following day was Valentine's day, and I got off work early. We sat around on the couch and watched movies and ate pizza. It was weird b/c I wanted to cuddle but didn't know what was OK. I kept asking if it was OK if I touch him, and he would say yes every time, so I finally just became more comfortable. The following day, H wanted to go to a new type of meetup early in the morning, and asked if I wanted to go (which I was surprised with). We did. He hangrily snapped at me in the car that morning re: directions, but I did not engage. We went to the event for a while, then to lunch. We went home and he took a super long nap, and was having a lot of back pain. We eventually went to dinner, and then to drinks, where I had a semi drunk cry festival. One of our issues was that my self esteem got so bad that I would resist being intimate, but now that that's better, I want to be touched, and felt the physical touching was one way (he initiated being intimate, though). He listened, and said he just needs to get used to it again, but then proceeded to make sure to physically casually touch me a lot for the remainder of the weekend, which was nice. We didn't have many deep talks. Sunday afternoon I'd gotten upset because it's just confusing not knowing what to expect or prepare for or what's OK and what's not OK. He did say in the talks that he wants to make sure that he doesn't want to come back just b/c it's easier for him mentally b/c it'd remove a lot of stressors from his life, which I understood. He left Monday afternoon, and is coming back tomorrow I believe for a while. I didn't ask if he is staying at our house. He doesn't have a reason not to - he said he had a great weekend together. But, we will see.

He did mention that he wanted to withdraw a few times during the weekend and pushed himself (successfully) to not. He did go to his IC while here, too.

I wasn't sure how I wanted to play this interim time where he isn't here. part of me wanted to go dark starting Monday for the full effect of going back to his lonely sad place to really hit him, but he spent all Monday texting me about non-important stuff, and I did reply. He also called me when he knew I was getting off work for no specific reason (we used to talk on the phone every day when I was on my way home). Monday in the middle of the night he called me but I was asleep. Yesterday he said he was having a panic attack, but I am suspicious that there was more to it. Maybe he did, and then got in an emotional spiral? Idk. Not trying to think too much about it.

Overall, I had a nice time over the weekend, and saw a lot of actual behaviors that show he is trying. We didn't really talk about R stuff, tbh. More just being present. I thought it'd feel more like having a stranger in the house, but it didn't. I did point blank ask that if something comes up that we need to fix or is going poorly would he tell me/bring it up? and he said yes. I felt I was overly attentive over the weekend, and voiced as much b/c I felt I was being annoying, but he did not. He has a pain issue right now, and I just wanted him to be super comfortable here, but I wish I had been slightly more aloof.