Alison: I see plenty of hope for you, maybe stop seeing the negatives so often? I'm so proud of you for showing that vulnerability, you cannot piece without it. And each of you telling the other that you're afraid of judgement, that is also vulnerability from both of you, which is huge.
How about you focus on celebrating the differences? Tell him each day one thing you value him for, and ask him to do the same. You're so focused on protection, it makes it hard to build warmth. I know it takes two, but someone has to start and clearly you're the more emotionally intelligent one!
Any progress on MC? I think EFT would be a great approach for you both, it's evidence based and more about building attachment than raking over the past. I do think it would be easier to do all this with help instead of muddling on through alone.
