Why if he hates the drive and is so miserable is he still here?
He clearly has friends to stay with, his parents. Why keep here and say you will stay until S of D is final?
Why say you want amicable and then start changing where your check is deposited to? You say one minute you've talked into an atty and have divorce papers drawn up... the next you haven't made appt. We will go together.
You say you haven't changed any beneficiary on your acct or life insurance and dont plan to do so... I'm sole beneficiary. Your not changing your will. You feel even if we file you can do so anytime.... but yet you hadn't planned on it?
You changed your acct passwords. You are not being transparent.
You are sleep deprived and have memory issues sometimes.
BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY AND ONLY 50% OF WHAT THEY
I was struggling today. On the phone in another room. You came out clearly I've woken you up again and you get a bowl AND 2 spoons and you invite me to eat sherbet with you. Is it guilt?
I sat.and.ate.with you.
You dont want to see my tears. It's the wrong emotion for where we are at... too little to late.
I know you are all trying to be helpful and supportive and you see me spinning circles. I just need lots more words of encouragement... I know what I need 180s and GAL. It's all I can do to try to get to.work tomorrow. I feel.so alone.
For what it’s with, we see you, we’re listening, and we care. You alone are in the specific h3ll of your situation, but not alone here in dealing with the grief of a walk away spouse.
Last edited by job; 02/19/2008:22 PM. Reason: edited language
For what it’s with, we see you, we’re listening, and we care. You alone are in the specific h3ll of your situation, but not alone here in dealing with the grief of a walk away spouse.
Thank you...
I vacillate between spending the money for a DB phone coach to perhaps I need in patient care.
Last edited by job; 02/19/2008:22 PM. Reason: edited language
Not much sleep. Called my mom at 6am. Not sure I could get out of bed and go to work today.
H comes home. I'm on the phone... he gets a call and takes to other room.
When we are both off the phone H asks me about work yesterday - will there be consequences for me having not gone back yesterday. I said in 30yr I should be allowed a 1/2 day for mental health but it can be an issue. My employer is out of town and ultimately not much can happen if I am not there.
I then asked my H about his day while he is unpacking cooler. He talks about it. He says more than I thought he would. He is exhausted as am I. When it clear he is finished talking I go to another room.
I heard my H talking in the bathroom... I hadn't heard him so I walked back in and asked if he had said anything... he kept his back to me and said don't worry about it. I let it go.
He showers and goes to bed. He leaves the HOMES MAGAZINE at his spot on the kitchen table. Its not a shock as I already knew he was looking.
My 180 today was being polite and friendly.
So I have to keep it friendly and happy here. I have to detach and act as if.
I am taking it minute by minute... would appreciate some words to encourage me in the right direction.
BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY AND ONLY 50% OF WHAT THEY
Still not seeing that you believe this. You still take what he says and does to heart. You asked me "what agenda" when I mentioned everything he says is for effect and has an agenda behind it, you asked "what agenda?"
You can't see through the leaving the financial papers at the table for days? Or leaving the Homes mag there? To me it is obvious is full of smoke and mirrors right now. Likely he doesn't even know what he wants. I can tell you no man wants to split all of his assets by 1/2. No man wants to give up his cushy dual income lifestyle.
You spend a lot of your time on here convincing yourself that he is done. And the reasons why he is done. (Which is why I said it sounded like you have it all figured out.)
KC, your interactions with him were decent. I would have liked to see you NOT ask him about his day. And not go back to find out what he said. If it was important he'd find you and repeat it.
KC you need to just go back to DBing basics. GAL like a mad woman! Keep self-improving, become the best you can be. And work on detaching. Where his words and deeds roll off your back like water off of a duck.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Still not seeing that you believe this. You still take what he says and does to heart. You asked me "what agenda" when I mentioned everything he says is for effect and has an agenda behind it, you asked "what agenda?"
You can't see through the leaving the financial papers at the table for days? Or leaving the Homes mag there? To me it is obvious is full of smoke and mirrors right now. Likely he doesn't even know what he wants. I can tell you no man wants to split all of his assets by 1/2. No man wants to give up his cushy dual income lifestyle.
It is cushy for sure. And, he went on last night that it will be a struggle for both of us when we split and we have to tighten our belts. BUT - even then he has the freedom to make his own choices on what truck he buys, if he can afford, etc. He doesn't want to answer to me.
He comes home and he picks up after himself. Puts his cooler away inside of leaving on the counter. This is a 180 for him. I'd like to say thank you for picking up the dirty clothes - because he picked up mine too. I didn't though.
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You spend a lot of your time on here convincing yourself that he is done. And the reasons why he is done. (Which is why I said it sounded like you have it all figured out.)
Guilt. Realization that he is justified in a lot of his complaints - not all. I DB'd him once. Why can't I just get to business again??? I didn't keep up my end of things.. the things I did that got his attention and he stayed have appeared to be smoke screens on his part. Last time he was saying all the words... this time he is doing all the action with those words.
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KC, your interactions with him were decent. I would have liked to see you NOT ask him about his day. And not go back to find out what he said. If it was important he'd find you and repeat it.
I'm trying to be decent and pleasant and to act what if. I most definitely should not have gone back into the bathroom. Shoot for all I know he may have been talking to the dog. That came across as needy.
He still sees me as pursuing.
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KC you need to just go back to DBing basics. GAL like a mad woman! Keep self-improving, become the best you can be. And work on detaching. Where his words and deeds roll off your back like water off of a duck.
First throwing you a bone: eat sherbet with me. Next time (in an upbeat tone): No thanks! I'm good for the night! Being nice to you when it suits him.
Rejecting you: reminding you of your sins and how you are't HIS perfect goddess anymore. Leaving home magazines and papers on the table. Does that seem very nice to you? Does that seem something a friend would do?
KitCat, you made mistakes. Take a look at the above and see that he is being and a**hole right now. And it works for him to have you carry all the baggage around and wear the "worst spouse ever" crown. It's time to take it off. And throw it away.
You will feel sorrow. Grief. Anger. It's okay to process that. I have to remind myself there is a fine line between my feeling the very real sorrow of my situation and living there and letting it run my life.
Today is my birthday. My birthday wish is for you to STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.
Have a new morning routine. Wake up. Feel your feelings. And then I want you to visualize you at your best self. And then find some mantras that work for you. You can borrow mine if you want to. I tell myself: Yes, this is hard. But I can do this because I am amazing. I am worthy of love. Especially from myself. Yes, he does not choose me, which is hard. But I choose myself, I will take care of myself, so I will be okay. He is abandoning me. Thank goodness I Will never abandon myself. I also had to be brutal about him too. When your husband is hiding on the phone, roll your eyes and think, "what a loser." yeah i know. Not nice. But he is not being nice to you and that will help you flip the script.
When you feel that hurt, feel it and then pick yourself back up. When we hit something so horrible we have an inner child within us that needs to be taken care of. Tell that little girl inside of you that this hurts, but she is safe. You will take care of her. That may sound a little woo woo, but it helps.
He isn't being a nice husband. He's not being a friend. He's not even treating you like he would a stranger on the street. He is jerking you around and you are a plan b. Do you want to be someone's plan b? Changing his passwords is a bad sign. Don't let it destroy you. Roll your eyes and think "whatever loser. I'm so glad I don't treat people like that."
We are here for you today. You are not alone.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
I am all too familiar with the panic attacks etc when I was going through my sitch early on. They are relentless. I’m glad you are seeing your doctor, hopefully he/she can give you something to take the edge off.
In the meantime, what are you doing to help with your anxiety? For me, I turned to the gym and started working out very hard. It helped with the anxiety and I also got in really good shape.
I also started IC which helped as well.
So sorry you are struggling. You will survive this.
