Today is such a hard day

[oceangrl]

OG,

HUGS. I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate as can so many others here. Please know you are not alone in how you feel and how destabilizing this all is.

A few thoughts-- my H also thought we could have the fantasy amazing best friends D. Early on I was like H3LL NO and painted a really terrible picture of D, that we would basically be enemies and he didn't want me as his enemy. Once I got to DB I was able to be pretty consistent around simply saying this isn't going to happen. I won't be your friend. Period. I didn't discuss it, I didn't throw out alternative scenarios, I just said no. I won't be your friend. I will be a cordial co-parent but we won't be friends. If you feel this way I would not play into his game of planning what amazing D would look like. (I mean, YOU can think about what scenarios would be acceptable to you, but you are under no obligation to share those with him.) There is plenty of time for that if you go down that road. I wholly agree with RTC on this one.

Also, something that continues to really help me is the saying on the welcome thread about this being a gift of time and to use it wisely. No need to rush into anything. No need to lift a finger to help move in the D direction if that isn't what you want. I spent a lot of time ducking R talks and every time I got into one I regretted it. If this is what he wants, let him do the heavy lifting. If it is hard to be around him when he is acting like everything is just fine, then try to avoid being around him until you are able to be upbeat when you do see him.

Is there someone you can talk to-- a friend or family member-- that you can confide in and who will be there for you no matter what? I did confide in a good friend and it has been a godsend. Also, can you find even small ways to do things for yourself? I think on HesAble's thread a bunch of different posters shared GALing ideas that didn't necessarily mean getting out of the house-- just ways to be kind to yourself when things are so difficult. I took a day off of work (twice, once after each of the last two BDs) and laid in my bed and cried for awhile, then just took care of myself the rest of the day. Those are things that are impossible to do with kids in the house. Can your H watch your son on set for a day? Can you basically take a sick day? Like what would happen if you really were sick? Don't feel any guilt about faking it if you need to.

And one last idea-- I do think it is empowering to start to think about what life would look like and what the good things would be if you do end up Ding. Talk to an L or research your options-- knowledge is power. Are there any dreams you had that were set aside in favor of your H's job or your kids? Classes you would take, careers you would consider? Spend some time on YOU-- you 100% deserve it.

Hang in there and keep posting.

Thanks for your thoughts. It [censored] like crazy we are all here, but man, it's nice to have the support. I drove down the road today thinking, "at least I am not alone on planet crazy."

I do have a few family members and friends who are huge supports to me. They aren't drama, they don't tell me what to do, just help me keep my spirits up and are a sounding board. I like your idea of taking a day off. Yes, I can have him go to set when he is in town.

There are okay moments and hard moments. I took my son to get frozen yogurt tonight and we had fun being together. But I looked at my bowl at one point and thought, "my husband doesn't want to be married to me anymore." It is so weird. So sad. There is this process of watching all your hopes and dreams together for the future float away. Now, I have to fill them up again with my own. I am trying to view that as positive. I always wanted to learn to speak French better. It's silly, but I am going to figure out how to learn in a cost-effective way.