Standing vs standing still

[may22]

Hi FS,

I've been thinking about you and your sitch. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have them on a plane off on a "family" vacation without you and him sending you these nice texts, probably wanting you to feel OK about it and it just feeling so wrong and sad to you (and to me, reading). I think you are under no obligation to be buddy-buddy with him if you don't feel like it. You are going through an incredibly difficult time and you need to be there for yourself and your kids, first and foremost.

I really am glad you are getting the time to go through your house and purge. There is nothing like that feeling of ruthlessly tossing things that no longer serve you. And all the better that he would have whined about it but is no longer in a position to have much of a say. Also, I loved Bad Moms and Bad Mom Christmas is also hilarious. I watched it on an airplane and kept cracking up out loud.

The earbud thing is weird. As is the texting fun stuff and ignoring the mediation-related stuff. No mindreading here, but still. Weird.

One thing that Alison has been pushing me on in my thread is to really know MYSELF and what I want/need... I might suggest the same for you in/re how you go about the next steps with the mediator. I have so much respect for Yail for how she handled her D. I also kind of want Unchien to get the meanest shark possible for an L. (sorry, but I do.) I feel like I would fall somewhere in the middle, but in the end I think I'd fall to the self-protection side, just knowing myself and feeling I could always be nicer or more giving down the line. I just want to second Yail's recommendation to be sure you know your own priorities and what matters most to you in the longer term as you go into this process.

My IC said something along the lines of anger doesn't help anyone but this was in response to my telling her that I have been throwing grenades over the wall to provoke him. We are about to go into negotiations and she is afraid my emotions will make me say or do something which would harm me financially or in regards to the children, in the long run. She is right. I have always preached fairness when it comes to finances and the children but I feel that my anger could lead to petty squabbles. We have been (so far) able to maintain an amicable relationship - but that is because of me. I have let him have things pretty much his way. If I start acting irrationally now, he will retaliate. He is the type who would like all the chocolates in the box just so no-one else will eat them (true story from his childhood).

A couple things strike me here-- one is that you've mostly been letting him have his own way, and then "if I start acting irrationally..." I just want to point out that acting irrationally is not the opposite of letting him have things his own way. Yes, you want to keep your emotions in check and act rationally. You can ALSO stand up for yourself and not give in to him. You deserve half those chocolates in the box. The good ones. He can have the crappy nut and caramel ones that always get left till the end. Just saying.

Hang in there with the kids away. Hoping you can work in some additional time for yourself that would be harder if the kids were around.