First mediation today. The mediator explained that she is there to facilitate, keep us focused and to produce some sort of non-binding agreement at the end. If we decide to divorce, then the agreement gets submitted to the court, with the petition and then it becomes legally binding. It was all very administrative, and not too dissimilar from a business type negotiation I would do on any other day of the week. On average it's 3 joint sessions and they produce two docs at the end. Cheaper than court and thrashing it out through solicitors (though she said to get everything looked at by a solicitor).
I was surprisingly calm. Even jovial. Maybe because I've changed my mindset and a part of it is very much a business transaction now. I explained our sitch (well, the childcare related and financial related aspects) and stated what I wanted.
She did ask me to confirm if it was our intention to divorce. Apparently when he booked the meeting he was unclear - he simply said we needed to work through house split and childcare. Admittedly, when he booked the session we had had a civil but slightly heated exchange about the house which turned into a discussion primary carer and ended with him saying "we need to get a mediator involved" and my saying "cool - set one up and I will make myself available".
As mine was the first session I sent him a friendly"hiya - I have the mediator thing today and just wanted to confirm some details" followed by the main dates in our relationship (started co-habitated, first bought property, got married, date he moved out) and asked him also if he had taken our marriage certificate (as it's gone missing again). He read it but didn't respond. I followed up with a "just to let you know I've used the dates in the message above but we can change later if you disagree". Again no response.
I've missed the children and if im honest I miss him. But I think it is because they are away together as a family. He is away so much that him not being here barely registers anymore. I would rather be with them than here on my own. I have been busy this week tidying up the house and generally chilling out. I've managed t do a bit of meditation (letting go, forgiveness and self love mainly) and also caught up with a girlfriend on Sunday (she stayed over, we drank wine and watched Bad Moms). The declutter is going slowly - but I've been quite ruthless so far. There is something freeing about throwing away lots of black bags, old cables, computer equipment, stereo systems that we haven't plugged in for 8 years. He told me not to throw out anything he might want, but f** it. If he had his way we'd still have broken car seats from when the kids were babies.
I have felt really strange all week. A bit like the weight has lifted. I think that it is because for so long it felt like I was treading water and now it feels like I am swimming towards something. Yes, it might not be the resolution I hoped for. I may never get the closure I deserve, but at least I can start looking forward again.
