but the contrast in the approach is remarkable. To me it’s like saying I have an injury, the only thing I can do is amputate my limb.
That is a GREAT analogy! It is so spot-on. This is one of the most perplexing mysteries here is why soooooo many previously loving spouses go rogue and literally do not want to lift a single finger to try and save their marriage. It's so bizarre, all these years later I know I'll never know "why" but it still blows my mind. Not just in my sitch but in the many others here as well. One thing that comes across pretty clearly is that most of the LBS's that find their way here are good-hearted, loyal, loving people. People that most people would be very happy to be married to. Who would leave that to pursue some vague fantasy of something better? It's a mystery.
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because after a year of this I feel like a failure, an undesirable, needy middle-aged woman, not good enough for my H, who wants s.o. else to do my job
A lot of us come here feeling like losers. Part of our recovery is learning that what our spouses are going through is similar to a mental illness, and that it's more about them than it is us. That's not to say we should ignore what we did wrong or not change anything about ourselves, we should use this as a reason to make ourselves into better people. But at the end of the day hardly any of us were so bad that we deserve being dumped without warning and without a chance to do something about it.
