My wife's father got in contact with my wife recently to encourage her to work on our marriage. She took offence to his text message. Thankfully she shared the message with me and we discussed it, which felt a bit like we were on the same side, which was really nice. (I could see both points of view - I think his message could be taken positively or judgementally, depending on what tone you read it in.)
During the conversation with my wife, she said that her father can't judge the situation because she hasn't told him all the facts why she left me, which were that I put my job before her, that I abandoned her in doing so, that I put money before her, that I put possessions before her, that I stopped her from having friends over, etc.
I didn't know what to say to this so didn't say anything. My mind was saying "I must validate her feelings and not argue" but I couldn't think of anything to say that didn't sound patronising or twee or glib.
I am very disheartened by her words because she knows how hard my job was, and that my motivation was always to earn enough to support her and the kids. My parents owned their own businesses during my childhood and through a series of misfortunes end up in a debt spiral which meant we kept selling up what we had and downsizing, my mum worked two jobs all hours (a full time job during the day then a nightshift at an all night roadside cafe/truck stop. i don't know how she managed it). I always vowed that my family would never be in the same position. Also our son is minorly autistic and I have always wanted to make sure we can support him. (He is massively creative and I think that if we can afford to support him while he 'makes his mark' in whatever he chooses as a profession, he could achieve great things - but it means giving him the support to do what he needs to do rather than force him to abandon his dreams to take on some 9 to 5 job.) My wife never returned to full time work after our two kids were born, and so hasn't worked a Friday in the last 15 years. I was often disappointed to come home from a hugely exhausting week to find nothing done on the housework. I told her I wasn't happy with people coming around when (e.g.) the toilets were dirty. My "please can you do some cleaning" became "you can't have visitors" in her mind.
I feel that if she maintains her viewpoint she will remain angry at me and will not want to reconcile, but I also see that if I try to explain my view, it is not dropping the rope, it is controlling (telling her 'no, this is how to think'), it is not validating, etc.
What is the way forward? Is it to forget about explaining the past and simply to continue demonstrating change now?
