I used to be a lot more self-absorbed. I've learned what it means to be defensive and to control it - that was massive and game-changing for me. I've learned not to criticize my spouse (though I still need work on that). I've learned not to play devil's advocate with a spouse, I need to be their cheerleader. I've learned what contempt is and not to use it.
I've learned that I punish using the silent treatment and that I got to work not to be passive-aggressive. I've learned that I need to help around the house regardless of whether or not my spouse is a stay at home, so that she knows I love her.
I've learned about love languages. And most recently, I'm learning about feelings. I didn't know that I stopped feeling and why, I didn't know how all of that started, and I didn't understand how I treated my wife as an object at times - incredibly miserable, but next time I can do better.
I'm most excited and curious about learning to feel again. I killed my feelings when I was a kid as I struggled with loneliness and parents that were detached and unemotional. A girlfriend was the first to bring that back out in me, but in my marriage after years of contempt, criticism, and attacks, not to mention a job that was stressful at a ten and left me depressed, I shut all that feeling stuff down to save myself.
Well, now I'm working in IC to better understand feelings and emotions and I can tell a difference in my life. I'm able to have more fun and be happier, its just that the flip side [censored] and I have to get better at managing that.
That's all great introspective stuff Scott, and you should by all means work on these things as a person. But NOT AS A HUSBAND. Not right now. Trying to 180 many of those things will just be R pressure on her at a time she wants zero pressure. I sense that you keep rephrasing the same arguments to try to justify pursuit behavior to yourself and to us. Pursuit never, ever works with a WAS my man.
