Okay, I spent the day going through all of my threads and all of my notes in my phone.
It did help give me perspective and I took notes as I went, which I will revisit. All of that allowed me to respond to the mediator over email to confirm the dates we were meeting, to tell her what I planned to bring, and to ask what else she might need. No way I could have done that at the start of the day. I'm not sure if that's a win or not but it seemed like a good thing.
I plan to talk to my wife about the meeting with the pastor to figure out whether or not she wants to keep it. I'll revisit how it got scheduled.
In going through my notes I also feel like i picked up on a pattern. My wife and I have a good couple of days and I lose my mind. In reading all about the last four years its quite evident that this is not all my fault, not by a long stretch. My wife over this time has also helped me become a much better version of myself, which is pretty awesome.
I used to be a lot more self-absorbed. I've learned what it means to be defensive and to control it - that was massive and game-changing for me. I've learned not to criticize my spouse (though I still need work on that). I've learned not to play devil's advocate with a spouse, I need to be their cheerleader. I've learned what contempt is and not to use it.
I've learned that I punish using the silent treatment and that I got to work not to be passive-aggressive. I've learned that I need to help around the house regardless of whether or not my spouse is a stay at home, so that she knows I love her.
I've learned about love languages. And most recently, I'm learning about feelings. I didn't know that I stopped feeling and why, I didn't know how all of that started, and I didn't understand how I treated my wife as an object at times - incredibly miserable, but next time I can do better.
I'm most excited and curious about learning to feel again. I killed my feelings when I was a kid as I struggled with loneliness and parents that were detached and unemotional. A girlfriend was the first to bring that back out in me, but in my marriage after years of contempt, criticism, and attacks, not to mention a job that was stressful at a ten and left me depressed, I shut all that feeling stuff down to save myself.
Well, now I'm working in IC to better understand feelings and emotions and I can tell a difference in my life. I'm able to have more fun and be happier, its just that the flip side [censored] and I have to get better at managing that.
Overall, a good useful day and hopefully i created a resource I can reflect back to from here. (I'm still not feeling 100%, still feeling anxiety and fear, but I'm feeling better).
