Steve my other question is, one of his big complaints is a lack of affection. But he also has an emotional wall up. I don't want to pursue or beg, but if that's a complaint do I still follow the path of not initiating affection?
Complaints are words. What do his ACTIONS say? It is easy to say "one of the reason I want a D is because you don't give me affection like I want." WORDS. However, has he reached out for affection only to be rebuffed?
The 180 opportunity here isn't to start showing unsolicited affection. But be open to it IF he initiates it. Oh, and that also jives with DBing! So it is a win-win!
If I want affection, I initiate it with my W. She can't be a mind-reader to know when I desire it and when I don't.
His words are forming a complaint (believe nothing he says). But is he reaching out for affection? His actions speak louder than words.
See WASs come up with all kinds of excuses and complaints. Some of them valid, some just words. But even with the valid ones, it doesn't mean they are asking you to fix it. In fact, after BD you do more harm than good. ON BD: "You aren't affectionate enough so I want a D." Then the LBS gets all affectionate. The WAS "why are you doing this now after I've made my decision?!?" See?
Okay, I see what you are saying.
His words: I want affection. I like it when we are affectionate (clarify: not intimacy).
Actions: He does not reach out and hold my hand. He will hug me when we see each other after he has been gone or before he leaves. At church he will usually sit by me and hold my hand. But outside of that no. He does not initiate or ask for affection. I feel a wall there. I know there is a wall around intimacy. He would only be intimate with me if I initiated. If I do not initiate, it rarely happens.
Pre-affair, I was not good at affection. It is a legitimate complaint for him from the past. In the last three years, it has not been like that. I've been more affectionate until around the divorce BD. Then I stopped. And he did nothing.
So what is my 180 on that? Seriously, it's so confusing for me. Thanks for your help.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
