Scotty, you mentioned being obsessed with your W and M. I would venture to say 90% of us here can relate very well to that! Here's the thing, that's just pressure at a time she wants zero pressure. You've got to find something else to obsess about. A hobby, working out, your kids, something OTHER than your W. You've absolutely got to make that happen. Even if you think she doesn't know you're obsessing, she knows. WAS's have radar for that sort of thing. You have zero chance of reconciling until you completely let go, it's just one of the ironies of these situations we find ourselves in.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Two things happened over the past two days. First, my wife and i went out to dinner and she mentioned that her numbness started after her emergency hysterectomy eight years ago, as i mentioned yesterday. That’s when she began to numb out. The next day in church the oddest thing happened, a little girl was crying and my wife randomly picked her up and comforted her. I began to cry. My wife was so natural with this little girl.
First, quit trying to "diagnose" her. You do not know why, you will not know why, you will never know why. What happened happened and all you can hope for is some day when you die God will explain it all to you. Until then you won't ever know, so quit trying.
Second, do not ever cry in front of her. Cry in your car, cry in the bathroom with the door closed (as long as she can't hear you), go to church and cry, whatever. Anywhere but in front of her and the kids. You've got to be the rock. Don't be deluded into thinking this is a great time to show her your sensitive side, it's not.
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That’s when i came to reflect on my wife’s story in a way i hadn’t before. My wife was in her pain after her hysterectomy. An unrelenting pain that was dulling her life and her spirit. Alone at home. She had lost her uterus and no one came to her. She had lost the children she had planned to have. And she was alone trying to figure out her grief and pain. The man that loved her had moved on. He was gone and in his own world. He was fighting a different fight and didn’t see his wife. He left her. And then never spoke of it.
And if things couldn’t get worse, he put pressure on her for sex. Sex that to her did not feel like love. It was a needy sex to fill his holes and as he filled up she emptied herself out. They both knew that she could no longer get pregnant. This gave him license to desire more and this created a pain in her that deepened.
OK so you were insensitive to her needs. Log it in your mental notebook and move on with your DB'ing. Don't try to "fix" it now. She doesn't want you to be a sensitive loving H right now. You can't "nice" her back.
