Alison, what I really like about you sharing a bit about your spiritual practice is that it is somewhat neutral ground for the two of you.
What I mean by that is that it isn't marred by negative memories for the two of you. It isn't triggering. But at the same time it is something deeply personal and importantant to you, so it is a form of you opening up to him, and a form of him listening to you.
You aren't at the stage of sharing emotions, but you can share this right now and he can see you in a new light of who you are as a whole person. This seems very positive, and appropriately cautious.
I didn't think of it that way Yail, but you're right. It is something that is mine and not ours and has no bad memories attached. A lot of our lives together, memories, parenting, work - they're all to do with feeling wounded in some ways. This is something quite separate. He's a very New Atheist type (which is fine) and is sometimes very scathing and critical about people with faith. That's a reason why I've never told him about my own practice. But I guess I did like his skeptical and critical spirit once and he must have once valued my more curious and imaginative one.
We did have a chat at the weekend and came to the conclusion that each was afraid of being judged by the other. I do feel - or fear - that all the things about me that make me different from him and uniquely myself (my interest in sex, my sensitive emotions, my sociability, my empathy, my willingness to try on crazy ideas now and again) aren't things he delights in, but things he's irritated and disapproving of. What I didn't know what that he felt the same way. I think it was a bit of a leap for him to even tell me that - to be able to put it into words in a way that I'd understand, and also to dare to tell me. We are extremely different but that isn't news, and the differences did work once - when we had respect for each other's unique ways of doing things. That lack of acceptance of difference has been playing our most markedly in our parenting (I'm more relationship focused, more nurturing - he's more about structure and routine and discipline - though we've both moved a little more to the middle over the last year) but runs through lots of aspects of our lives.
It's kind of sad really. Neither of us feeling delighted in or cherished or even just accepted for who we are.
