Today is such a hard day

[oceangrl]

So many things I don't know how to handle. He will go out of town on Tuesday. He usually calls me every night. Do I answer it? What do I say? Maybe he won't call. I don't know what to do.

Have you read DR?

Yes, I have. I have highlighted it and bent pages. Which may surprise you as I feel I am just stumbling around and spinning. I know she says to act "as if," but in my experience he takes that as confirmation I will be okay without him and I am fine. What am I missing?

I feel so confused.

You aren't missing a thing. That is EXACTLY what you want him to know. You WILL be okay without him, and he needs to learn that. You show him that through actions, not words.

ocean we tell LBSs all the time, DBing is counter-intuitive. What you think can't work.....does. What is thought of naturally as what should work. Doesn't.

That is why I questioned if you read DR. Because if you learned anything from it then you know that the last thing you should do starting Tuesday is sit home and hope he calls!! I have had women in my past that did that. You know what I think of them? I think they are overly needy, way too attached, and way to easy for me to go back to. And that makes them unattractive to me.

Stop doing what doesn't work (what you would think is the traditional way to win someone's affection). Start doing that which does work (that which is intuitive). The first one has <1% of chance of working. The second one is 50/50. There are no guarantees.

Prepare for the worst....hope for the best.

Thank you for this truth bomb. This is what I need. I need to hear this truth (and so many others on this thread) because it is so counter-intuitive.

Here is what is so....nuts. Take this morning for example. We get along fine if you aren't talking about anything to do with R. or MR. We made breakfast alongside each other. He offers to do the dishes and help me with something. I go over in my mind WHAT WOULD MWD SAY? lol. I think okay....detachment doesn't mean being cold. So I accept his offer and make him breakfast along with mine. That's it. Because a jerk would only make myself an omelet and refuse to make one for him when he asks. So I make him one but I don't do anything else or act lovey dovey. And I know one thing he likes about me is that I can cook. And meanwhile our son has his tumbling mat out and is doing flips on it and saying, "watch me!" And these are the moments when we look like this happy family and I am there in the middle of it knowing he wants to divorce me. He says he likes me, he's attracted to me physically, there is nothing about me that bugs him. There are many things he likes about me. But he doesn't feel a connection to me in a loving way. And he doesn't want to be intimate with me because of that. He wants out. He did have an EA/PA three and a half years ago, and from what I gather he doesn't feel that same way with me. He ended his affair because he didn't want to live a double life. Not because he didn't want to be with her. But I can't be an affair. I'm a marriage. Which doesn't mean it has to be dreary, but we have kids and bills and challenges, etc.

So I am just working on my self-esteem. I will keep that motto in mind. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. And I have to deal with these feelings of how all DBing goes against instinct. Holy cow does it go against instinct. I know I shouldn't pursue or convince, etc, but it's hard to know reach over and put my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. That's the hard thing for me.

Steve my other question is, one of his big complaints is a lack of affection. But he also has an emotional wall up. I don't want to pursue or beg, but if that's a complaint do I still follow the path of not initiating affection?

I'm sorry this post is a ramble but that's how my brain is working.