Today is such a hard day

[oceangrl]

Ocean girl, I am so sorry you are going through this and in so much pain. It’s terribly difficult to live under these conditions. I am struggling with the same. It is not an issue for the H as they are already emotionally detached and can carry on in the same home without any stress or anxiety. They can function day to day and not be impacted by the destruction and uncertainty they are creating, because they have detached themselves.

I too am torn between asking my H to leave and holding out for a bit longer. But I am really struggling mentally, unable to detach with the mixed messages I am getting from H about staying or leaving, and then feeling completely out of control of my own life. Like your H, my H thinks we will have the kids a week each. I’ve said to him, you’re taking away my H, my home and now you want to take away my children for a week at a time? I’m just not in a place where I can lose all 3 at the same time. He doesn’t see the problem, he only sees the children for half the week anyway as he works away, so, like you say, his world is the same just without me in it.

And yes, when I feel bad, H feels bad, and when I’m fine, he’s fine. I think this is to do with guilt. And as much as I see that guilt is one of the reasons he hasn’t gone anywhere yet, it is not a reason I want him to stay, and him staying through guilt is probably just prolonging the inevitable.

I know that Job’s suggestion of being patient and observing is the right thing to do, but it is truly something I’m finding really difficult. To have someone so close, but unavailable is tearing me apart. I think you are feeling that too? Sending hugs

Yes, this is where I am. My head just spins.

I have asked him when he plans to move out. He said he doesn't know, he wasn't planning it yet. I think it's because he can't afford it and his biggest fear is feeling like he is "visiting" his kids. Like mine is losing my kids for two weeks a month. We are still sleeping in the same bed. I remember Steve85 posting about don't give up the MBR so I haven't. I'm not moving out of it. But he woke up this morning (I was already awake but lying there), said his prayers, said good morning and walked out. That hurt because I am used to him talking to me about the day and our plans for a few minutes. It's evidence in my mind he has already cut me out. That really hurt. And I realize those are the moments I have to deal with. To be able to detach and love myself anyway. AND ITS SO HARD AND PAINFUL.

I am proud of myself because what I wanted to do was go after him and say, "So that is what it is now? We aren't even talking as friends in the morning?" And then he would get defensive etc etc. I didn't do it. I stayed in the room and said good morning back. So I think that was the right thing to do.