A more or less peaceful week. We had a hard time at the weekend. Something and nothing. I over-reacted over a minor thing, he over-reacted to that, and we were caught up in an argument before either of us knew it. I think we both de-escalated pretty well and tried to make peace and be affectionate afterwards. I think it probably scares both of us senseless when there's conflict. We're so scared of it, and each other, and so untrusting.
I also think we're both exhausted with how difficult piecing can be.
H is trying - I can see that he is - and it must be frustrating for him to live with someone so cold and untrusting. I don't monitor his whereabouts or look at his phone - I don't want a marriage like that and he EA was a long time ago now - but if he's late back from work it is a sneaky thought I have, and I find that difficult to deal with, and he's wary of having to supply constant reassurance when today, and for a long time, he's been nothing but faithful to me. I don't think I am unreasonable to have trouble trusting, and I don't think he's unreasonable to be weary of not being trusted. It's just how it is right now.
I can see - and he's said as much - that all the feelings I have about getting back together not being quite as I imagined and not what I signed up for - he's having too. We talked a bit about MC. I asked him what he felt would be different this time, and he said he wasn't interested in trying to convince me to go against my own judgment - that I'd have to make my own decision. That's fair enough, I suppose. I think I was seeking reassurance but it isn't really in his power to give it.
I've dialled back on my plans for GAL this week. I think I was avoiding the house, and exhausting myself in the process. There needs to be a balance. I know I am prone to over-work as a way of avoiding painful things, and I don't want to replace GAL with work (working more moderately and healthily was one of my 180s). I also think that H and I need to have some fun together. We've been concentrating on the conflicts we have - around parenting - and that is difficult and necessary work. But we haven't been doing much to enjoy each other.
I have consciously made the effort to be a little more open with him this week. I am receiving some instruction and teaching in my spiritual practice and I have never, never spoken to him about it. We don't share a faith. That's totally fine with me - he gives me freedom in this and privacy too, and I have no wish to convert him to my way of thinking at all. But it is very important to me and I don't talk to him about it at all - not a bit - because I have such a fear of being judged. I told him a little bit about it this week and put some of my instruction dates on the family calendar. He noticed and asked me about them. it was tentative, but it was something.
