1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

May, Wooba thanks for your advice. I hadn’t made any decisions about holidays. He’s home for 12 days (instead of 4) so I had been planning to see how things were by the end of this week and then reassess whether I thought we were in a place of togetherness and could think about family holidays. We were both working at home on Friday and he spent ages telling me about place XXX that he wants to go back to, and searching for some photos that had popped up on his homepage that week. All great, it seemed.

However, that night, I got another one of those mini-BDs, where he announced again that he wanted to leave, stating that he was in a deep depression and that he couldn’t see any way out of this situation other then to break up. I was reeling, and asked him to clarify that he was saying that our marriage was over. His response was yes, I guess so.

The next morning, I asked some more questions about when he was planning on telling the kids, where he was going to live etc. He said I had forced him into making a decision the night before when all he had said was that he was being distant because he was depressed, and couldn’t see any way his feelings for me would return. He then said I was moving too fast for him, that we didn’t need to tell the kids now, that he wasn’t saying it was over. I was so confused.

I then got the usual explanation about no sexual attraction, but this time he went deeper and said that he feels that I controlled things for so long (ref SSM) in that department, and rejected him for so long, that for me to suddenly want him back was hard to deal with as it was just me controlling the situation again and he feels there is something psychologically blocking him from wanting to be intimate with me. I validated this and said I was sorry for the way I had treated him and the pain I had caused. (He does already know that I wasn’t feeling what I needed to feel during that time to be intimate with him, and he accepts that). What I am struggling with though, is that at no point did I ever look at another man or tell H that I still wanted to be in a sexual relationship, just not with him. This is what hurts me now. He has told me he wants sx, just not with me.

I feel like after a year of limbo, I can’t do this anymore. His feelings haven’t changed in a year and I don’t see how they will. He seems ever closer to leaving, but admits he doesn’t like change and upheaval. I desperately want to sit back and observe, be the lighthouse, but I don’t know if I’ve got that left in me.