Today is such a hard day

[Newbie20]

OG: Where is it written that he gets to dictate all the terms of this? See a lawyer and ask questions. I think a lot of them will give you a free consult.

Most of the stuff I read said that for DB purposes, it is better if the spouses stay together in the house. I understand the logic of that (sort of). Remember the junk May had to listen to from her H. It's quite similar to what you are hearing and she still managed to turn it around. Remember what they say here, "believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see." You'd do well to keep that in mind. Is there a spare room/basement you can move him into?

Michelle talks about in house separations in those videos. It can be done. Steve85, the guy here with all the answers did it too. You might ping him and ask how they managed it.

Until you understand your rights and what is possible for you should this happen, you're flying blind. He is in LaLa land and isn't the one you should be discussing this with.

[Newbie20]

Also, don't scratch for the money to have a legal consult if you have to pay. Use a credit card loud and proud. That will be his first experience with the glorious world of divorce and he better get used to it. He'll probably end up paying your attorneys fees. Might puncture the fantasy a little.

Email Virginia and ask her if they will put the two of us in contact. Worth a try at least.

You're going through the worst of it now. It does get better.

[SteveLW]

So many things I don't know how to handle. He will go out of town on Tuesday. He usually calls me every night. Do I answer it? What do I say? Maybe he won't call. I don't know what to do.

Have you read DR?

[job]

If your h calls, let it go to voice mail. If he texts, let it go for a bit. You do not want to appear as if you are sitting there waiting for his communications. In fact, leave the messages go for an hour or two and then respond back. If he asks why you didn't pick up right away, say "I've been busy".

When you do speak w/him, listen to what he has to say, offer no advice and try not to be sucked into an argument and do not let him hear how upset you are if what he has to say is upsetting. If the conversation isn't to your liking, say "I have to go now and leave it be".

Focus on today and allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready. Worrying about whether he's going to call or not elevates your anxiety level. Breathe, stay calm and find things to keep your mind and body busy.

[Pommy99]

.

I am torn between wanting to kick his sorry butt out, feeling like go get em tiger, and saving my marriage.

He really thinks he is doing the right thing. He says he doesn't feel like he can be close to me or connect with me. He said I have a great body and I am attractive but he doesn't want to be intimate with me. He says he doesn't have anything to talk about with me on dates.

I still think almost 25 years and three kids is worth trying. But he seems to feel he is doing the right thing.

His idea is for us to have our apartment and switch every other week with the kids. It would be easy for him because he works out of the house every other week. Nothing changes for him except that I disappear. For me, I would basically have to go sit by myself for the week. He said I can find a job online and develop interests. I told him I am a stay at home mom, the thought of being away from the kids for half the month makes me sick. I am a mom, that's what I do. He says if I want to keep the house (which he knows I love but he doesn't care about) that's what would have to happen. But if he has to get a place if I won't agree to the every other week thing, then we will have to sell the house. So I have crappy door number one and crappy door number two. Amazing choices.

He says he won't pressure me into figuring it out now, but that means that I have to live with him. He is fine and cheerful around the house. He is good. I am the one who is reeling. And I feel like being fine and acting "as if" makes him feel I am good now and emotionally ready to divorce. The only time he feels bad is when I feel bad. Now I am not saying that like I want to feel bad so he will. I don't care about that. I am just wondering if that is normal? It seems so odd.

Ocean girl, I am so sorry you are going through this and in so much pain. It’s terribly difficult to live under these conditions. I am struggling with the same. It is not an issue for the H as they are already emotionally detached and can carry on in the same home without any stress or anxiety. They can function day to day and not be impacted by the destruction and uncertainty they are creating, because they have detached themselves.

I too am torn between asking my H to leave and holding out for a bit longer. But I am really struggling mentally, unable to detach with the mixed messages I am getting from H about staying or leaving, and then feeling completely out of control of my own life. Like your H, my H thinks we will have the kids a week each. I’ve said to him, you’re taking away my H, my home and now you want to take away my children for a week at a time? I’m just not in a place where I can lose all 3 at the same time. He doesn’t see the problem, he only sees the children for half the week anyway as he works away, so, like you say, his world is the same just without me in it.

And yes, when I feel bad, H feels bad, and when I’m fine, he’s fine. I think this is to do with guilt. And as much as I see that guilt is one of the reasons he hasn’t gone anywhere yet, it is not a reason I want him to stay, and him staying through guilt is probably just prolonging the inevitable.

I know that Job’s suggestion of being patient and observing is the right thing to do, but it is truly something I’m finding really difficult. To have someone so close, but unavailable is tearing me apart. I think you are feeling that too? Sending hugs

[oceangrl]

So many things I don't know how to handle. He will go out of town on Tuesday. He usually calls me every night. Do I answer it? What do I say? Maybe he won't call. I don't know what to do.

Have you read DR?

Yes, I have. I have highlighted it and bent pages. Which may surprise you as I feel I am just stumbling around and spinning. I know she says to act "as if," but in my experience he takes that as confirmation I will be okay without him and I am fine. What am I missing?

I feel so confused.

[oceangrl]

If your h calls, let it go to voice mail. If he texts, let it go for a bit. You do not want to appear as if you are sitting there waiting for his communications. In fact, leave the messages go for an hour or two and then respond back. If he asks why you didn't pick up right away, say "I've been busy".

When you do speak w/him, listen to what he has to say, offer no advice and try not to be sucked into an argument and do not let him hear how upset you are if what he has to say is upsetting. If the conversation isn't to your liking, say "I have to go now and leave it be".

Focus on today and allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready. Worrying about whether he's going to call or not elevates your anxiety level. Breathe, stay calm and find things to keep your mind and body busy.

One thing i have got to work on is validation. I am have a bad track record for that. I look back at a conversation and face palm it. But it feels like it I validate I am agreeing with him and then making it worse. I know i know all this DBing goes against instinct.

[oceangrl]

Ocean girl, I am so sorry you are going through this and in so much pain. It’s terribly difficult to live under these conditions. I am struggling with the same. It is not an issue for the H as they are already emotionally detached and can carry on in the same home without any stress or anxiety. They can function day to day and not be impacted by the destruction and uncertainty they are creating, because they have detached themselves.

I too am torn between asking my H to leave and holding out for a bit longer. But I am really struggling mentally, unable to detach with the mixed messages I am getting from H about staying or leaving, and then feeling completely out of control of my own life. Like your H, my H thinks we will have the kids a week each. I’ve said to him, you’re taking away my H, my home and now you want to take away my children for a week at a time? I’m just not in a place where I can lose all 3 at the same time. He doesn’t see the problem, he only sees the children for half the week anyway as he works away, so, like you say, his world is the same just without me in it.

And yes, when I feel bad, H feels bad, and when I’m fine, he’s fine. I think this is to do with guilt. And as much as I see that guilt is one of the reasons he hasn’t gone anywhere yet, it is not a reason I want him to stay, and him staying through guilt is probably just prolonging the inevitable.

I know that Job’s suggestion of being patient and observing is the right thing to do, but it is truly something I’m finding really difficult. To have someone so close, but unavailable is tearing me apart. I think you are feeling that too? Sending hugs

Yes, this is where I am. My head just spins.

I have asked him when he plans to move out. He said he doesn't know, he wasn't planning it yet. I think it's because he can't afford it and his biggest fear is feeling like he is "visiting" his kids. Like mine is losing my kids for two weeks a month. We are still sleeping in the same bed. I remember Steve85 posting about don't give up the MBR so I haven't. I'm not moving out of it. But he woke up this morning (I was already awake but lying there), said his prayers, said good morning and walked out. That hurt because I am used to him talking to me about the day and our plans for a few minutes. It's evidence in my mind he has already cut me out. That really hurt. And I realize those are the moments I have to deal with. To be able to detach and love myself anyway. AND ITS SO HARD AND PAINFUL.

I am proud of myself because what I wanted to do was go after him and say, "So that is what it is now? We aren't even talking as friends in the morning?" And then he would get defensive etc etc. I didn't do it. I stayed in the room and said good morning back. So I think that was the right thing to do.

[SteveLW]

So many things I don't know how to handle. He will go out of town on Tuesday. He usually calls me every night. Do I answer it? What do I say? Maybe he won't call. I don't know what to do.

Have you read DR?

Yes, I have. I have highlighted it and bent pages. Which may surprise you as I feel I am just stumbling around and spinning. I know she says to act "as if," but in my experience he takes that as confirmation I will be okay without him and I am fine. What am I missing?

I feel so confused.

You aren't missing a thing. That is EXACTLY what you want him to know. You WILL be okay without him, and he needs to learn that. You show him that through actions, not words.

ocean we tell LBSs all the time, DBing is counter-intuitive. What you think can't work.....does. What is thought of naturally as what should work. Doesn't.

That is why I questioned if you read DR. Because if you learned anything from it then you know that the last thing you should do starting Tuesday is sit home and hope he calls!! I have had women in my past that did that. You know what I think of them? I think they are overly needy, way too attached, and way to easy for me to go back to. And that makes them unattractive to me.

Stop doing what doesn't work (what you would think is the traditional way to win someone's affection). Start doing that which does work (that which is intuitive). The first one has <1% of chance of working. The second one is 50/50. There are no guarantees.

Prepare for the worst....hope for the best.

[oceangrl]

So many things I don't know how to handle. He will go out of town on Tuesday. He usually calls me every night. Do I answer it? What do I say? Maybe he won't call. I don't know what to do.

Have you read DR?

Yes, I have. I have highlighted it and bent pages. Which may surprise you as I feel I am just stumbling around and spinning. I know she says to act "as if," but in my experience he takes that as confirmation I will be okay without him and I am fine. What am I missing?

I feel so confused.

You aren't missing a thing. That is EXACTLY what you want him to know. You WILL be okay without him, and he needs to learn that. You show him that through actions, not words.

ocean we tell LBSs all the time, DBing is counter-intuitive. What you think can't work.....does. What is thought of naturally as what should work. Doesn't.

That is why I questioned if you read DR. Because if you learned anything from it then you know that the last thing you should do starting Tuesday is sit home and hope he calls!! I have had women in my past that did that. You know what I think of them? I think they are overly needy, way too attached, and way to easy for me to go back to. And that makes them unattractive to me.

Stop doing what doesn't work (what you would think is the traditional way to win someone's affection). Start doing that which does work (that which is intuitive). The first one has <1% of chance of working. The second one is 50/50. There are no guarantees.

Prepare for the worst....hope for the best.

Thank you for this truth bomb. This is what I need. I need to hear this truth (and so many others on this thread) because it is so counter-intuitive.

Here is what is so....nuts. Take this morning for example. We get along fine if you aren't talking about anything to do with R. or MR. We made breakfast alongside each other. He offers to do the dishes and help me with something. I go over in my mind WHAT WOULD MWD SAY? lol. I think okay....detachment doesn't mean being cold. So I accept his offer and make him breakfast along with mine. That's it. Because a jerk would only make myself an omelet and refuse to make one for him when he asks. So I make him one but I don't do anything else or act lovey dovey. And I know one thing he likes about me is that I can cook. And meanwhile our son has his tumbling mat out and is doing flips on it and saying, "watch me!" And these are the moments when we look like this happy family and I am there in the middle of it knowing he wants to divorce me. He says he likes me, he's attracted to me physically, there is nothing about me that bugs him. There are many things he likes about me. But he doesn't feel a connection to me in a loving way. And he doesn't want to be intimate with me because of that. He wants out. He did have an EA/PA three and a half years ago, and from what I gather he doesn't feel that same way with me. He ended his affair because he didn't want to live a double life. Not because he didn't want to be with her. But I can't be an affair. I'm a marriage. Which doesn't mean it has to be dreary, but we have kids and bills and challenges, etc.

So I am just working on my self-esteem. I will keep that motto in mind. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. And I have to deal with these feelings of how all DBing goes against instinct. Holy cow does it go against instinct. I know I shouldn't pursue or convince, etc, but it's hard to know reach over and put my head on his shoulder or hold his hand. That's the hard thing for me.

Steve my other question is, one of his big complaints is a lack of affection. But he also has an emotional wall up. I don't want to pursue or beg, but if that's a complaint do I still follow the path of not initiating affection?

I'm sorry this post is a ramble but that's how my brain is working.