Today is such a hard day

[KitCat]

Newbie 20... where does one find the video series for th LRT? I couldn't find anything.

[Newbie20]

https://divorcebustingtraining.mykajabi.com/store/Q5UUUmn4

[KitCat]

https://divorcebustingtraining.mykajabi.com/store/Q5UUUmn4

Thank you... and you really feel the videos made a difference for you?

[Newbie20]

Yes. I needed structure and something that made sense. The LRT is in her books too but I personally respond better to video.

[oceangrl]

Newbie, did you say you separated? I need to go back and read your thread again. I just feel like telling him to move out. He acts happy as a clam around the house. I am the only one in shock and pain. He has his whole life planned out.

What do I say when he wants to talk about the future? He wants to go for a walk and allay any fears I have about divorce.

Tomorrow we have this fun family activity planned. I want to throw up when I think about it. I don't even know how to do that. To act normal when he is being fun Dad.

Thanks for your kindness and replies. I am so grateful to you.

[Newbie20]

That is what is so infuriating, that they think it's no big deal to you that your spouse of xx years is walking away. Mine did that too. He did some very inconsiderate things, such as notifying me by EMAIL! that wanted to file. Mine also had his whole life planned out. It takes them a fair amount of time and they work through all the issues in their mind before they lay the big D on you. You'd laugh if I told you what mine had planned. None of it happened. Yes we were separated before he said he wanted to D. It didn't bother me. I actually was happier with him out of the house if he was going to act like a jack*ss.

I would decline the walk and future talk. Again, I'd tell him that you and he are in different places and you need time alone to decide how you are going to respond to this. Remind him that ;you married him for better or worse, until death do you part and that this is not what you signed up for. If you go down that path (walking and talking) it will end up in a R talk and you really don't want that.

His idea of your fears re divorce have no basis in reality. Neither do his fantasy plans. But he has to live the decision to understand that. That's where delay comes in.

Has he said he wants to move out?

[cardinal]

Oceangrl, I am so sorry you’re having a rough time right now. I’ve been at a low point in my journey the last couple of days, and I feel for you. I’m glad Newbie shared that quote from Andrew. I needed to read it again—it’s also one I saved early on and return to when I’m scared and feeling hopeless. Newbie, I too appreciate the encouragement you’re giving here. My H has not yet moved out, but I know he has a fantasy in mind of his being happy once D happens. Your words are bringing me comfort too.

Oceangrl, I think it’s important to not feel pressured to react right away to your H or to go on this walk with him. It sounds like he wants you to begin participating in his fantasy! You’re not ready to talk about this with him, and that’s okay.

[Newbie20]

Yep, nothing good comes from playing that game. And for God's sake - don't debate either. I actually think it's easier to get a guy to come back home than a walkaway wife. Cardinal: if you want to feel better take a little search of how many people regret divorcing after it's done. I even saw something on a very popular divorce support organization that ***most*** people will eventually want to reconcile, but usually by the time that happens, the LBS has moved on and is not interested, which is why it doesn't happen more often.

I'm working right now and have 3 screens open so I see these threads updating. It makes a boring job a little more interesting.

[oceangrl]

Cardinal and Newbie, thanks for your thoughts.

I am torn between wanting to kick his sorry butt out, feeling like go get em tiger, and saving my marriage.

He really thinks he is doing the right thing. He says he doesn't feel like he can be close to me or connect with me. He said I have a great body and I am attractive but he doesn't want to be intimate with me. He says he doesn't have anything to talk about with me on dates.

I still think almost 25 years and three kids is worth trying. But he seems to feel he is doing the right thing.

His idea is for us to have our apartment and switch every other week with the kids. It would be easy for him because he works out of the house every other week. Nothing changes for him except that I disappear. For me, I would basically have to go sit by myself for the week. He said I can find a job online and develop interests. I told him I am a stay at home mom, the thought of being away from the kids for half the month makes me sick. I am a mom, that's what I do. He says if I want to keep the house (which he knows I love but he doesn't care about) that's what would have to happen. But if he has to get a place if I won't agree to the every other week thing, then we will have to sell the house. So I have crappy door number one and crappy door number two. Amazing choices.

He says he won't pressure me into figuring it out now, but that means that I have to live with him. He is fine and cheerful around the house. He is good. I am the one who is reeling. And I feel like being fine and acting "as if" makes him feel I am good now and emotionally ready to divorce. The only time he feels bad is when I feel bad. Now I am not saying that like I want to feel bad so he will. I don't care about that. I am just wondering if that is normal? It seems so odd.

[oceangrl]

So many things I don't know how to handle. He will go out of town on Tuesday. He usually calls me every night. Do I answer it? What do I say? Maybe he won't call. I don't know what to do.