I have t posted in a while. Since our last court date I have crossed a threshold into the beginning stages of letting go and true detachment. I’m by no means there or over it, but I’ve entered a phase of it I have not entered in this sitch thus far. It’s a relief.
This has had a marked effect on H. He has been texting me regularly with pointless things that are obvious tests/temp checks, bringing my daughter to visit me at work during his time with her for no reason and generally trying to engage me in chat and jokes. I’m not allowing myself to be engaged, and I’m no longer overly concerned with how that may or may not be perceived. I’ve exhausted that route. This reaction in his part does not give me hope. It’s just something I notice and I assume it’s a natural shift in the pursuer-distanced dynamic. I hold a tiny amount of hope that the feeling of loss of our family may cause H to turn back. But I do not in any way EXPECT that to happen. Intellectually I understood the difference between the two before this point, but I didn’t really believe it was possible to have joe without expectation. I feel the difference now. It’s a really strange feeling for me, but I’m grateful to have finally experienced it.
Last week H texted me to ask if he can take D4 on a short trip soon. He has asked before during this situation and I’ve always said no for various reasons. This time I accepted that it’s a matter of time before this happens, put my anxieties and concerns aside and said yes for the first time ever. He didn’t respond (or even mention it when we saw each other) for 4 days until last night when he texted me to say that he had forgotten to respond and to thank me. I think this is BS, but it doesn’t matter.
On Thursday when he dropped of D4 he brought up a stack of art she made at school and mixed in I saw an envelope with his return address, addressed to the court. I don’t think he knows I saw it before he took it and put it aside. This is curious and somewhat alarming to me, as it’s my understanding that for where we are in our divorce process there is nothing he needs to submit to the court. We have always agreed to do things amicably and transparently, and I would be blindsided and really upset if he is doing something without at least letting me know first.
Then yesterday was just plain weird. When he came to get D4 he was going around cleaning things, tinkering with things around my house, talking to me about his ideas for the garden (whaaaaaa????) After they left he calledabput something he and D4 wanted to come back to grab, and he was overly familiar, calling me a nickname. It was seriously weird. Later he texted to say that D4 wanted to come to my house to eat dinner (???) and was that ok with me. In those moments I have to take a fake it til I make it approach to detachment, so I decided to say it’s fine and then leave my house. When they got there he was just being way to comfortable and familiar. I was annoyed bordering on pi**ed off about this. I attempted to keep my distance and detached air without coming off angry.
With all of this, the text about the trip, the envelope and his weirder behavior I’m feeling really anxious and uneasy. I’m contemplating asking him if somethings up, but debating if it’s a good idea. I’d love some advice or input. Here are my thoughts so far:
1) I recognize I’d be asking purely to soothe my anxiety. I’ve done things before for that reason that I’ve regretted afterward. The alternative is to wait and see.
2) on the other hand it could be empowering for me to ask about it rather than waiting and seeing.
3) there is a chance that nothing is up/the envelope has nothing to do with me or isn’t important/that he was considering doing something that he is now reconsidering. In any of those cases I would not want to draw attention back to it or force his hand on anything.
4) bringing it up does not contribute to my air of detachment. Much of my detachment is real, and much is still in fake it til I make it mode. But I’m actually succeeding at it somewhat for the first time and I don’t want to burst that bubble unnecessarily.
