Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

(((Hugs)))

still having trouble re-entering the more confident, detached zone I was in. 8 months in and I feel like I’m regressing DB-wise, just can’t get my attitude back in the right place.

It’s ok. I know how it feels to sink low again. Setbacks are necessary steps forward. During our moving forward we assess, test, and challenge our ideas, thoughts, feelings, and yes those beliefs. For what good are beliefs if they cannot handle a challenge; you want strong beliefs. You will challenge them, even if you don’t see yourself doing it. In that view the term setback seems mislabelled doesn’t it?

This is progress, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Remember counterintuitive.

Something has stirred your emotions. It’s ok. Feel them, let them wash over you.

Is all this sadness stemming from confronting that I'm not in that place I’m supposed to try to get to, where I’m okay with either outcome, D or no (R or no)? I'm just not. I'm a broken record. I'm still afraid of D. I still haven't let go, though I know that is all I can do.

Be gentle on yourself. Letting go is difficult.

cardinal, all you can control is you.

It’s okay to not want a D. You don’t need to be alright with D or no (R or no). You aren’t pushing for a divorce, so you aren’t making that decision. Aren’t in control of that. H is doing that.

Is there much point in fearing something you cannot control? It’s not divorce you fear, that’s just the trigger. Look deeper, what possible future events post D are frightening and paralyzingly you?

The truth is I want with my whole heart to have H in my life. That desire hasn't gone away no matter how much stronger or more independent I've become.

detach, detach, detach

Yes. Detach and find indifference.

DnJ, I think you would point me to desires and hopes again. That desire doesn't have to go away, but it shouldn't be the sum of my happiness. It's not the sum, but I still don't want to imagine my life without him in it. Our friendship, our relationship was only a part of what made my life joyful and rich, but it was such a big, wonderful part.

Of course you desire that relationship. And I’ve no doubt it was a big wonderful part of your life - however it does not define you. Relationships are not what makes one happy.

Desires are like beliefs - they just are. They exist beyond our reasoning.

You don’t need to crush your desires, nor crush your hopes. You can find a place where detachment, indifference, desire, and hope do live together.

For what it’s worth, you are just testing you hopes right now. I did this as well; been there done that. It’s good - you want strong hope.

It might not seem like I'm replying to the last post, but I know this is all wrapped up together.

To me, you are replying to the last post. I didn’t think you would be challenging things quite this soon... yet here you are.

Change that deep held conviction, the expecting the least generous. Prepare for the optimistic outcome. Change how you see the world and the world changes with you.

I know this is a big change in how I approach events in my life big and small, one that I really need to work on in order to make my life better in general. Reading these words make me cry for some reason. I know it's connected to everything I've been feeling. I'm not sure how to take the first step. It starts with changing my thoughts.

The first steps - refocus on you.

You feel broken again, right?

Ripped open? Exposed? Vulnerable? Hurt?

This is where you can make huge inner impacts. It’s hurts. It’s raw. It’s emotional. It’s scary.

It starts with changing your thoughts and making those influences felt right to your core.

When one is so opened up, they gain access to some pretty deep and usually hidden ideas and beliefs. I found some I wasn’t too proud of, actually rather ugly to tell the truth. I discarded those, that unwanted internal baggage. Let the light shine in, push back your fears, and look around.

Be patient, this does take time.

I’ll be here. Walking beside you. Share when you’re ready.

And be gentle on yourself, this part hurts.

DnJ