Today—still having trouble re-entering the more confident, detached zone I was in. 8 months in and I feel like I’m regressing DB-wise, just can’t get my attitude back in the right place. H has been gone most nights this week for the first time in a while, and I think my anxiety is surfacing so much because I’m sent back to how things were for so long before the new year, all the coldness and uncharacteristic behavior from him. He said little to me this morning, and maybe the thaw of the last six weeks is coming to an end or maybe I’m just fearing that. I don’t like seeing how I’m affected by his moods again—his recent prolonged friendliness has definitely messed with me. It appears he was out on V-Day night with a (girl) friend, and this shouldn’t surprise me because he’s been hanging out with friends who are girls all along, as is his norm. I’m feeling so insecure right now, though. It hurts to imagine him with anyone else, now or in the future. I know this is a basic step—detach, detach, detach, and I’m disappointed that I’m letting these things get to me, but I’m just at a low point, feeling vulnerable and hurt. Feeling like this is about me even though I know logically it isn’t. Had to stop crying when I heard his car pull up. It’s days like this when I see how it could be both easier and harder if he had moved out.
