First off, HOW do they do that? I love how you put that, sensing detachment like a bloodhound and then doing something different to knock you off your game. I don't believe it is deliberate but is still crazy-making for you.
I think for some WS it is deliberate but with my H I don’t know that it is. I don’t know that his EQ is high enough to be emotionally manipulative. I think it’s more like testing how much I’ll let him in. But yes definitely crazy making.
Originally Posted by may22
It does seem like he's really, really confused. I also think there is something to the WH feeling like he's started down a path and it is really difficult to stray from it, because (among other things) he's probably terrified that the damage he's done to your R is irreparable. Did you share any of your thoughts in the R talk or was it mostly validating? He still thinks you're over him?
I think the path thing definitely has some merit to it. But it got a little contentious when I said he picked the path with her because it’s just easier. He said that he didn’t feel that way. That picking me would’ve been easier because of the comfort factor and less people hurt. And then I explained why I felt the way I did. That everything with her is new and shiny and it’s all possibilities. It also has no depth or breadth so it’s just figure it out and hope for the best. Staying with me means work. Digging deep and therapy. And probably a marriage retreat. And apologies to a number of people. Starting from scratch with this baggage like an albatross until we start making some serious progress. All things he hates. Emotional work, open communication and complicated situations to navigate.
I shared a lot. He shared a lot. But I have no idea what he thinks as far as a chance at saving this or if I’m over him. Every time we have these talks I go a little anti DB. I tell him I’m still in love with him. But not like a sobbing “I love you.” He usually says something accusatory and I put it in there as push back. Like the big fight he said I liked to see him suffer and said “No you don’t love me. I still love you. I’d never want to see you suffer.” This time when talking about things in our relationship in the past that lead up to this he accused me of a few things. I’m not perfect he was right about a couple I validated and apologized but he also accused me of belittling him based on my education and him not having the same level. When I asked for concrete examples he had none. So I asked if maybe his feelings on that weren’t 100% my behavior and maybe some of his own insecurities. And maybe some hang over from me being the devil in his head for almost 3 months. And I said “I loved and love you exactly as you are. I’d never intentionally belittled you or try to make you feel beneath me.” I won’t ever tell him I plan to stand until I can’t. I don’t know how to say I still want to make this work if you want to with out coming off needy. But I think I’m being pretty clear I’m not over him.
