Can I be blunt and just call BS on this statement?
Yes - you are absolutely right. And reading back it does sound like I was having a little pity party for one. It is beautiful and I will NEVER have another as beautiful. All this is true. But whilst I live here it is a prison. I have been trying to focus on the positives of selling. Independence, a mental shift from living in the past to looking towards the future. It is starting to sink in. But that old gremlin, the one that says if I sell it then the road back becomes less paved, rears itself and I put it back in the box and focus on practicalities.
Originally Posted by Yail
If you've subverted your anger and hurt for so long, perhaps this is how you "need" to get it out to not incite further trauma on yourself.
My IC said something along the lines of anger doesn't help anyone but this was in response to my telling her that I have been throwing grenades over the wall to provoke him. We are about to go into negotiations and she is afraid my emotions will make me say or do something which would harm me financially or in regards to the children, in the long run. She is right. I have always preached fairness when it comes to finances and the children but I feel that my anger could lead to petty squabbles. We have been (so far) able to maintain an amicable relationship - but that is because of me. I have let him have things pretty much his way. If I start acting irrationally now, he will retaliate. He is the type who would like all the chocolates in the box just so no-one else will eat them (true story from his childhood).
So instead I am refocusing the anger. Using it to motivate me to push forward with the house despite the guilt.
May - I know it's not on me. But it feels that way all the same. I am pushing through the guilt because I know it needs to be done. And yes, I love house porn too. When we were redecorating the house (it took us 6 years to complete as we went room by room) I spent every lunch hour looking at Houzz. There was a lot of love put into it. My love, not his. He was involved in the execution and trying to keep me within budget. He never got involved in the design/thought process.
**Journalling
It is half term here and H has taken the kids away for 10 day. They left yesterday. I was going to go away, but he mucked about with the days so much that I wasn't able to book anything. Instead, I am using the time to prepare the house. I've bought boxes ready to box old toys etc and have booked a skip to throw out any old rubbish. There is nearly 20 years worth of memories in this house, cards, books, old bits of paper, electrical cables, pens that don't work and towels that have long lost their luster. I am getting rid of it all. Freeing up the physical clutter in the hopes it will unblock the emotional/mental one. He is not happy about any of this, and he is not making it easy, but I know it needs to be done.
I am missing the kids. They have gone away with him and I had gotten use to it. This time seems different. Maybe because he is pushing to see them more or he is taking them away for longer than usual. I know instinctively this is him trying to hold on to them (the last symbol of family that we have now that limbo is nearly over and the house is probably going to be sold) but it hurts.
He sent me a pic from the plane saying 'All settled and ready to take off' and I sent back a curt 'looks like they're happy'. He tried to keep it going but I stopped responding after the first message. Today I sent him one asking if they could call me once they woke up as I was missing them. He replied sure and then updated me on how they were on the plane and sleeping last night, I responded with a 'thanks'.
I don't know how to engage with him anymore. We are on the verge of getting divorced and it seems fake that we interact like we're good buddies.
On that note - I have the first mediation session this week. I don't know if it works the same in the US, but over here, instead of going to court, you can settle things out of court through a mediator and then just get it signed off by a judge. The first session is on my own, then he has one, then we do the remaining sessions jointly. If we can't come to an agreement then we go to court.
He did say something strange yesterday when he came to pick the kids up. D13 lost her airpods when we went to lapland last year and she and I went halves on a second hand pair. H found the original pair in one of D13's jackets about a week ago. I put them in a drawer and said D10 could have them when she is bigger. When I looked the other day they were gone. I asked him yesterday if he had taken them and he said yes, he took them for D10 but she didn't want them. I asked him to bring them back. Later, D13 asked him the same question (I was in the room). He said they were in his car. I reminded him to bring them back and he got all stroppy and said 'I told you I would bring them back. You don't need to remind me. I know where you're mind is going'. Now, I have no idea what he thinks I was thinking - which actually was, stop taking sh!t from my house without telling me - but suspect it has something to do with money.
