WAW - is it too late?

[sandi2]

The one NGS thing I've never done in our marriage really is trying to earn brownie points.

Sometimes the lines get blurry when a man ask himself if he is doing Acts of Service, or being a pushover. He doesn't want to be a jerk, yet he doesn't like her cake eating. When a man has been a nice-guy all his life, I think he struggles with these smaller issues b/c any action (or lack thereof) may be contrary to his usual nice-guy behavior. He has trouble seeing the picture of how a man should conduct himself without resembling the backside of a horse. It is difficult for him to understand DB detaching. Some men don't understand how to detach without acting mad/cold. IMHO, I think some nice-guys have trouble knowing how to balance it. They go from one end of the spectrum to the polar opposite, b/c they don't have a natural feel for some of the techniques recommended. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think some have difficulty visualizing how he is suppose to interact with his WW, and how to lovingly detach, while at the same time enforcing boundaries, etc.

We've had a somewhat detached marriage for many years. I think her resentment towards me just built up for the lack of respect she may have for me with our differing career successes. Plus, I have had a history of just not being a very good listener. It has been really eye-opening to see where I made some really bad mistakes over the years. Validation would have been a really important tool from the start.

When a woman marries, I think she has a need to feel intimately connected with their H. You might think of it as emotional intimacy. It's as if your soul and her soul lovingly come together. It's a way of making love, without physically having sex. However, if her need to feel intimately connected with her H is satisfied, I think it will definitely lead to her desire for physical intimacy.

Women wants to be heard by the man she loves. If she feels her H is not hearing her, by either dismissing what she says or turns a deaf ear when she's trying to talk to him.........it causes hurt, frustration, resentment, coldness, etc. Long-term, I think, it causes emotional damage between the spouses. I'm not saying the differing career successes did not play a part.......but I think the seeds of resentment were already there, which made way for a lack of respect. I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a woman, and her emotional needs within her marriage relationship. Without a strong intimate connection, everything becomes like stacking monster trucks on a weak bridge.

What can you do about emotionally connecting with her now? When a WW is in the act of rebellion against her marriage & husband, and has brought a third party into the M.........I suggest that there are two ways. You'll have to stay focused and find balance, or you'll go to one end of the spectrum or the other. First, let's talk about listening. Considering her bad behavior (manipulation, deceit, gaslighting, etc.) you don't want to appear as if you are not keenly aware of her little bag tricks. Remember, your biggest job right now is to be a tower of strength and dignity. So, if she is verbally vomiting on you, screaming, cursing, etc...........I don't think you should sit there and listen to her speak disrespectfully to you. However, if she is not lying, speaking vulgarly, gaslighting, etc........then you can look at her as she talks. If you can validate her feelings, that's fine. I may stand alone on this, but I think newbie LBH's need to be careful when they are eager to apply validation. They seldom report what they actually said, just that they "validated". So, remember, first of all, she is wayward (whether she's having an affair, or not), she has a wayward mindset and is in rebellion. I've seen newbie H's completely over-kill in their attempts to validate. I encourage you to study Wonka's thread on validation. Also, Another Stander is incredibly talented when it comes to validating statements. Validation does not mean you agree with her. IMHO, I think when dealing with a WW, the H has to be careful that he doesn't sound as if he is justifying her decisions or actions. Make sense? I think the safest way, for anyone who doesn't know how to validate, is to just look at her when she's talking, and nod their head that they are hearing her. BTW, you can practice validating others, too, like you did with your little girl.

Valentines day, and other holidays, can cause the H to feel as if he is in no-man's land without a guide. It's tough when you have a couple of little girls observing. (Are they twins? How old?) I think you handled it well. Valentines and wedding anniversaries are the two most romantic themed holidays, so you've got one down. What's the next thing coming up?

You may feel you are walking a tightrope for a long time, but we will do our best to help you. I encourage you to evaluate yourself and decide where you need improvement as a man. That's first. Make a plan or set specific goals on how you can make positive changes on yourself (appearance, personality, attitude, confidence, social skills, intellect......whatever). How can you work on your NGS? You may be frustrated and want to focus on the MR, but if you work on the man, first, you'll find you have the confidence to handle the challenges in the MR. Some of the things will naturally overlap from man to husband.

While you are planning how to improve the man, I suggest you put a lot of thought into your personal boundaries. The purpose of boundaries are for protection. They are based on your values, integrity, honor, religious/moral belief system. Don't start walking around the house proclaiming your list of boundaries, thinking your W will get her act together. Every WW is going to test your personal boundaries, and relationship boundaries. The wedding vows should have been pretty clear about fidelity, but WW's are not honorable and they justify their actions/feelings. You've told her you would not tolerate infidelity (however you worded it), so that is a boundary. Okay, so whenever your boundary is dishonored, there needs to be some type of action from you......and I don't mean having a talk. She is free to make the decision to honor or ignore your boundary. If she doesn't honor your boundary, then you do whatever action will protect you. You may tell her to find somewhere else to stay. You may decide to legally S or D, if she won't end her affair and do the necessary work on the MR. I'm not telling you what to do. Just throwing out some examples.

You might consider trying something on a smaller scale. For instance, I like to use phone calls as an example. If she calls you and is speaking inappropriately, you tell her you will hang up if she doesn't lower her voice, stop cursing, etc. If she chooses not to talk respectfully, you just hang up the phone. She will be furious, but so what? She can get glad in the same rags she got mad. It's up to her, but you draw the line at anyone talking inappropriately over the phone to you. You stay in charge of protecting your feelings. You don't scream threats at her. Make sense?

Another thing, and maybe I've already said this previously. You don't sit down and have a discussion with your WW about the boundaries you have set. If you feel it necessary to state a boundary, then do it, but you don't discuss it. If you state a boundary, be prepared to enforce it. How do you enforce it? You back it up with an action that is as powerful as the disrespect taken against you. In other words, a boundary without consequences.... is completely ineffective.