Look man, I know it’s hard. Do not accept less than 50/50. Get a L and fight if she is not budging.
Do not let her make you out to be the bad guy.
Thank you. I originally read your post before you added the "not" in the last sentence, and I actually kind of liked it! Not that I want to be the bad guy. Because... I have no control over how she will react, right?
Originally Posted by HaWho
The key things to mediation I was told is, it takes two reasonable people to come to the table (as KML said) and the mediator’s sole goal is to reach an agreement. They have no skin in the game but to reach a resolution so by nature if one of you is firmer/more resolute the mediator will whittle down the one who says uncle faster to meet the goal of resolution.
That is my worry about mediation.
I think the mediator was trying in a delicate way to point out how my W was not being realistic with her goals. She is spending her efforts trying to prove to the mediator that she should get what she wants... she hasn't grasped the idea that she has to prove it to ME.
At some point, she will need to have a reality check. I don't think it will happen naturally through mediation -- or perhaps it will after a few sessions. That may take a few months. I am not going to hold my breath waiting, but that also doesn't mean I have to give up on mediation. I have a pretty good plan hashed out for next steps.
Originally Posted by HaWho
If you go to try mediation, I would have a list of absolute non negotiables that you reference frequently and go into it ready to walk out. You can always try again! Have your L on standby.
After our first session, the mediator gave us some action items to follow up on. My W thinks if we do our "homework" we will conclude mediation quickly.
For example, she wants to keep the marital home. She had proposed deals where my name stays on the loan, etc. I'm not sure she gets that her "homework" is to come up with a plan to keep the house that I will accept (i.e., I am bought out). Not one that the mediator accepts.
She seems to be approaching mediation just like our last round of MC. It will help me to type this train of thought out:
Our round of MC post-S last year: I still held out hope we would work on the MR, and thus when we worked out parenting schedules, etc. I was trying to minimize impact to our kids and work on building trust. I conceded to a schedule that would make it easy for me to move back but also still have time with the kids. I made sure to fight for a couple school nights. I insisted on having a home with bedrooms for the kids (not a studio). I still had hopes of working it out. Looking back, I know my W had zero interest in working on the MR, so in a way she thought of these negotiations back then as part of us splitting up. I think it was incredibly disingenuous on her part. Here I was, negotiating a temporary separation, and she was treating it as a soft D. I'm sure this happens ALL the time to people, I'm not the only one.
At one point during our S, she said I didn't fight to win her back. I thought, "This isn't Hollywood!" What am I supposed to do, go to her bedroom window holding a boom box, send flowers, write MORE apology letters? I was in MC, saying I'm here, open and ready, any time, to talk about things that happened and understand her point of view. She would say the word abuse in MC and then clam up and refuse to talk. Even the C said it was really up to her to open up at this point. She never did. It was clearly the blocker to us working on things. I felt if we could talk about those things, we could start to rebuild something new. Within 3 months of separation, it was clear that there was no chance. I gave her time and space, I came into those sessions positively and open and ready to talk, but it takes two.
When that MC heard her use the word abuse the first few times, he really bought in and put the burden on me 100% to earn back her trust.
I say all this because I think she is treating mediation similarly. Just like the MC sessions, she still is working towards D. We have a 3rd party in the room. The difference on my side is that I went to MC with R hope. I am not going to mediation with the same mindset. I want what I want. The mediator technically has no power. He cannot force me to accept anything. I don't think gets the difference (yet).
Originally Posted by HaWho
Last thing, as she wants to work one day/week and stay in the house, make sure you take the kids promptly every day you have them and document this. I speculate she is making a case that she deserves more than 50% due to your work schedule while she is still the primary care giver working minimally (and conveniently) living the same lifestyle!!!!
I've been doing this regularly since the separation. And I completely agree that she will be making the case you outlined.
