Sometimes I try to create that feeling, try to reason myself into why it might be possible, but when I experience it like this, it's different. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's not something I reasoned or hoped. It's just there, as if separate from me.
That is a belief.
A value, a conviction. It is a force that exists both within and outside of your control. It is both conscious and subconscious, intellectual and irrational, logical and emotional. It just is.
We are so much more than we can rationalize. More than we think we are. More than we feel we are. That is your spiritual “car”. The summation of all you think, feel, and do - intellectual, emotional, physical.
It’s exciting to see one’s values and beliefs as they are. Not many people see what drives them. And yes, our beliefs and values influence everything. We can influence them, alter and strengthen our beliefs, which changes our lives in incredible ways. As you said, it is beyond reason and beyond hope.
That influence begins with focus on you. The physical and intellectual pursuits slowly reaching towards understanding and lead emotional acceptance. The compassionate empathic path intertwine with understanding and acceptance, fearlessness, forgiveness, one’s very core or soul can be reached.
I do agree with your assessment of what if H isn’t going through MLC and is just a WAS. They are similar aren’t they. It’s hard to know the underlying factors and pressures of one’s spouse. With MLC, I believe there is more confusion and a feeling of being out of control, crazy, the absolute drive and uncontrollable need to get away, to run. The LBS’s response is the same regardless.
I do see how it would be difficult to see H is emotionally driven. Guys are more logical and reasoned and sadly do not show their feelings much - to others or themselves. So when MLC hits and emotional trauma refuses to be silent, oh my. Your observation of H maybe running from his emotions is actually MLC in a nutshell.
An MLCer cannot face their pain and trauma, and project it, and blame it away. Thinking they are embracing their intellect and reason. It is the lie they tell themselves. Their intellect and reason is driven from emotions. My XW knew she made the correct well thought out and calculated decision to abandon her children because it felt right. She felt better with “her” logical reasoned action. Truth, is in the eye of the beholder. She ran from her pain and torment, thinks (feels) it’s right and better because she no longer hurts. That’s her truth. It will crumble like the sand it is built upon, and she will either start to face it or run again. Oh, confusion reigns in their lives, and they cannot see it.
Originally Posted by cardinal
(Hmm... maybe this is the opposite of what I've been trying to do, which is to use rational thinking to better understand and examine my thoughts and feelings, rather than to avoid them or ignore them.)
Exactly.
We do not run. We face the pain and follow the sting. Use rational thought to explore and examine. Our goal is acceptance not to ignore.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Another part of my journey is noticing that my brain automatically seems to pick the scenario that is least optimistic or generous to me, which is I think a weird way that my brain thinks it's protecting me.
Why?
You are a smart gal, and are seeking and finding understanding very quickly. So what is your brain doing and why?
It’s weirdly automatic. Kind of just happens, like it’s separate from you - right? Beliefs.
Preparing for the worse - is that the same as least optimistic - prepares you for failure, disappointment, and so on. It’s an expectation. People do seem to usually unconsciously pick the pessimistic scenario. That predisposed one to that very end. Our minds are listening and will make our imagined outcome a reality.
Change that deep held conviction, the expecting the least generous. Prepare for the optimistic outcome. Change how you see the world and the world changes with you.
You can influence your belief system. And are, every day, every moment, we reinforce our values and beliefs. It happens mostly unrealized; our beliefs unknowingly influence our behaviour which of course goes along with that value, which in turn feeds back and strengthens that belief. It takes an effort to see that process and alter a conviction. However, once altered it is self-reinforcing. That’s the power of a belief.
Beliefs are slow to change, unlike thoughts and feeling which do flit away. It’s some of the most important inner work - finding one’s beliefs and altering those you aren’t happy with. Do the work, become the best person you will be.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Originally Posted by DnJ
The unknown - embrace it. Do a 180. Look forward to whatever the future is bringing.
This goes against the way I am wired! Worry about Look forward to whatever the future is bringing. Which just means it's going to be a challenging 180, but not impossible.
Against the way I’m wired. - At the moment, yes it is.
It’s not impossible.
Almost anything is possible.
What are you going to believe?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
