Starting the process

[unchien]

LH, TB, Andrew, KML - Thank you for your feedback. It helps to hear your stories and advice.

yeah, just file (I don't actually understand how you do mediation without filing anyway, my ex filed and then we did mediation).

L thinks I should file and also immediately request orders for custody and a financial separation. Those latter items will be seen as an act of war, for sure, but I'm seeing no other way.

Rather than wait for next mediation (3 weeks from now), W and I have tried texting a little bit about things. I figured I may as well tell her what I want, and gauge how she is reacting. That way at least I won't feel like I gave up without putting it out there.

She shuts all talk of schedule changes down, and only her concerns -- the house, where the kids will live (i.e., where she will live), kids' activity schedule -- are important. And there is always the undertone of "safety talk" there.

When I ask for more time with the kids, she says "you need to talk to your boss about getting guaranteed flex time, right?" And I say, "I already did that, a year ago, and I repeatedly make sure that it she case." Then she will say, "I'm not comfortable talking about this over text"

I hate to give up. I know in the past I haven't asked for what I want. She is just not budging. She states her positions and says things like "Can't wait to work this out soon in mediation!" She thinks if we do our homework (assigned by the mediator) that "things will come together fast." She thinks the mediator decides or something... I don't get it.

Put everything in writing. Ask for a little more than what you're willing to settle for (negotiations are business deals and you always want to leave some room for the other person to feel like they won something. In your case this might mean a short delay on selling the house instead of putting it up immediately, or 40/60 custody instead of 50:50, or something to do with debts or pensions).

Agreed, any negotiation needs to start with stretch goals.

Make it clear her "safety" concerns are unreasonable and you'd be happy to have BOTH of you evaluated by a psychiatrist (I'm guessing she'd be easy to detect as a looney tunes, and any psychiatrist would laugh her out of the office if her main complaint is you grabbed your kids leg once and yelled at him).

I know there are forensic psychologists and custody evaluators that could get involved. I don't really trust anybody at this point, but I agree SHE doesn't get to decide who is a good parent and who is not.

If she doesn't have an order for temporary support, you need to start paying her only what she would get in a divorce. Judges will listen to the idea of "imputed income" - what she could reasonably earn if she got a job. Right now she has no incentive to change anything. So - pay the mortgage - yourself, don't give that money to her - and then pay her what your state's alimony calculation would likely be between her imputed income and your actual income. You could subtract half the mortgage payment from that. Then add in any child support you might owe if you had 50:50 custody. I hope you've already taken half of any savings but if not, do that now.

The mortgage payment alone is higher than maximum guideline support. She would never ask for temporary support because it would immediately put her in a worse off position. She would have to pay me back!

You need an attorney separate from the mediation lawyer, if you don't already have one, get one now. Even if you continue mediation, they can be your sounding board and tell you if what you are agreeing to is reasonable and what a judge would give you in court. Get him or her to review your proposal before you make it. Remember too that the tax laws in the US have changed, alimony is no longer deductible to the person paying it. Work out an offer with your private attorney and then present it in mediation. If her response is totally unreasonable (which it sounds like it will be) then you may be better off filing and let the lawyers duke it out. Mediation only works when both people are at least somewhat grounded in reality.

Your last sentence hit me hard.

My L thinks what most of you think. Lawyers are lawyers but they have seen these cases before. My L does not want to litigate, but also feels trying to mediate in this way is going to waste time, money, and set precedent the longer we go.

You do have an interesting idea of just coming to mediation with an offer written up. One last chance. My instinct is to say she would dismiss it out of hand, given how things have gone so far. But I do have a bad habit of dismissing ideas quickly, and will think about this more.

Also noted on the alimony deduction thing. I heard that recently and I know tax laws can make a big difference in what is best for me.