Gerda - Thanks for the wise advise, and reminder that I need to be very patient as IF H comes out of the fog for good, it will take quite a while.
DnJ – Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the kind words.
Valentine’s Day. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Not in a wistful way. But how it’s over-rated. Love should be shown every day to those we love, co-workers, and strangers, and yes, even the person in the car that cut you off on the way to work today. A lot of my devotionals lately (not surprisingly), have focused on God’s most important commandment. Love one another as He loves us. I’ve been trying to do this. Of course, I don’t always succeed (as I found myself gossiping about someone at work today), but I try. And I am going to try harder.
It takes a lot less energy to love than hate, doesn’t it? A lot fewer muscles to smile than frown.
But, I won’t lie. I had fantasies of H sending me flowers to my work today.
I wasn’t disappointed when they didn’t arrive, however.
But, what joy I had when I got home from work early and my D20 surprised me with a bouquet! It brought tears to my eyes. I feel sorry that H doesn’t get to experience that kind of pure love from her.
I am cooking dinner tonight for 2 friends and D20: filet mignon on the grill (rare), served with sautéed onions and wild mushrooms (lots of butter), mixed greens salad, roasted baby potatoes, and sourdough French bread. My friend is bringing a Cabernet to go with it. Knowing here, it will be spectacular. Nothing better than sharing Valentine’s Day with people that care about you, and that I care about.
I have a meeting with my attorney this week to talk about the document I will need to accomplish the protections I want. I’ve been thinking about my decision not to file for D at this time.
At my meeting with H last Sunday, I asked him some very pointed questions. About things he said in e-mails to me, about why he doesn’t want a D. It was a good meeting. But, right now I don’t think he has the courage to change his living situation. He fears what OW will do too much. She apparently has mentioned suicide, has health issues, knows a lot about him where she could make his life very difficult. Embarrassing (his worst fear, I think). The excuses are many.
But, he shared such very profound, enlightening things he realized about himself. Something is definitely happening.
I have had lots of thoughts about whether I want to stay married to this man. I don’t feel much for him at the moment.
I’ve got a daughter that is very mentally fragile, and has to find a new therapist, and see a new psychiatrist (for med management). She needs my full attention. So, no matter the reasons, the D will be on hold for now.
I am living my life.
I am looking at doing a bit of kitchen remodeling. Not huge, just new countertops and refinished cabinets. I want to move more towards living my life as if I’m single (not looking to date, though), and that includes spending my money as I feel like it without worrying if it will affect H. H will join my journey at some point or he won’t. A few weeks back, I took out an ornamental tree, and will do a bit of landscaping. I even dug out the root ball, and had to use a cart to haul it away it was so heavy. I hand-sawed the tree into enough fire wood for a few campfires on my next camping trip. So satisfying to see what I can accomplish! (I’ve always been a do-it-yourselfer, and have installed toilets, garbage disposals, tiled, and even a bit of electrical work.)
I am planning a trip in March to see my parents (with D20). S22 graduates from college May 1. My parents, brother and sister, with spouses, will come to celebrate. H will be joining us, I guess. I just told my parents to be polite. That’s all I demand. Politeness. Another trip in May with a girlfriend, and somewhere in there a childhood friend is coming for a visit.
Life if full. Friends are many. And family is supportive.
This Valentine’s Day, I am celebrating the love of my family and friends.
And that includes my friends here.
I am writing this on my back patiom which faces a preserve. The birds are swooping in, making all kind of noise, and jockeying for position with the squirrels to get to the best morsels at the feeders. Last week a bobcat was casually wandering around in my back woods.
