Cross countries separation EU

[sandi2]

My W did mention in many occasions that we argued a lot and she was not happy and I retreated. I was an idiot but I also never heard hey thanks a lot for working hard for our family, we had our first son when we were 22 and I was the only working.

I don't remember thanking my H for working hard (being the provider) for our family, b/c the way he and I were raised......it was expected that the man/husband/father makes income for his family. To be fair, the only time I was not in the workforce, was when I took time off to have babies. I never remember him thanking me for going back to work in order to have sufficient income for our family. Neither of us were looking for thanks, b/c we just had to do what we could to survive and raise our family. I've since learned that one of the top needs for a man is to be appreciated. He wants his W to express to him how much she appreciates him for all that he does for her and their family. Maybe your young W was somewhat like me in my early MR. Maybe she did not realize she should show you appreciation.....or perhaps, she was trying to show her appreciation in ways you did not recognize. Maybe she just thought you both were doing what was expected for your roles. I'm not saying it was right, b/c both men and women like to feel appreciated, whether they work long hours away from home, or take care of the children & home. Currently you are suffering and your thoughts reflect on the past. If only foresight was clear as hindsight, yes? Pack, learn from past mistakes, and don't repeat them. We can't change the past, only do better in the present.

I dont know if I deserve what is happening but crying at home every other day is not the best place to be when you want to be attractive again.

I don't see divorce as something anyone "deserves". It is what it is! It doesn't mean everything is your fault, or that you deserve what is happening. Recognize your mistakes, and be smarter going forward.

You have been stuck in your style of thinking. You don't apply the advice, b/c you won't let go of your old style where you believe you can verbally persuade your W to reconcile. Be honest, Pack, you thought with enough pursuit, she would break under the emotional pressure and come back. You knew of no other way to get her back, and that's why you continued trying to talk to her about the relationship. As long as you hold to the belief that she can be talked back into the MR.......you will not digest these books you are reading. That's why you are reading DR four times, and it has not stuck. You won't let go of believing your way is the only way that works. Nobody can get through to you, and they can't help you, until you give up your familiar pattern. It is a big stumbling block for you. The entire you may be reading a different way to deal with the situation, you have that block that wants you to do what you've always done with a woman...........pursue, pressure, keep pursuing. Am I making sense? I can't help you if I am not speaking in a way that is understood.

It's been 6 months, seriously, is it just better to move on and leave the door open?

Frankly, I think that's what you will have to do, in order to save your sanity and have hope that you can be happy again.

I am much better when I am far and I do not care about what she is doing, I come close try to see her and I get contempt and ignorance.

Why do you think we tell you to detach? What have I told you over & over? Stop trying to talk to her! The relationship with her is over. Now, it is about your children. Get a visitation schedule and stop trying to get her to take walks with you, or having long conversations that eventually lead to R talk. There is no sense in all this contact with her. She is angry. You are angry! Stop getting close!

Why would a woman marry you and give you 2 children to now behave like this?

She was a different woman back then. She changed. It is fact that you cannot control. She does not want your control anywhere in her life.

I am having a bad day and I guess I need to vent out. Sandi, help me please. I now you have said it before and I have read my thread 3 times already now. how do I stop worrying about time? do I need to accept all is over and this is dead unless she might choose to save it?

The marriage relationship you had with her is over. (((hugs))) Who knows what the distant future holds? The message I have tried to give you is that you cannot control how she feels, and you haven't accepted that you can't persuade her. I believe she has to be completely free of you. Free of your presence, free of hearing your voice, free of seeing you, free of your overbearing pressure. There has to be freedom, space, and time......for her, and for you. Each of you need to heal separately. Let go of her. Mourn the loss of the M. It's been six months and you aren't better b/c you didn't let her go. I hope you will, now. It isn't what you wanted, and I understand. But you can't control it. Therefore, you have to get healthy again. You have to find you who you are as a man, and that means you do it on your own...........apart from her. I think it needs to be apart from a new woman, b/c you don't have to have a woman to define you. I see too many LBH's jump right into a rebound relationship with a new girlfriend, and he's not even over his W. Once you are single, I'm not suggesting you never go out and date again. I'm just saying you need to heal and find yourself before getting into another romantic relationship.

I am changing many things in me, for me and my future. As my friend said, Paco your marriage is in crisis, it is a very ugly one, but it is crisis, learn to think about other things.

I agree. You may never have another time in your life where you are this free to enjoy the things you love to do, without having to answer to a wife. It's all in how you look at it. I've suffered crisis, and I've suffered loss. I've learned that we are seldom "delivered" from the fallout, emotional pain, etc. We have to feel the hurt, and work our way through it. We have to make the daily choice to do things we don't feel like doing, but know it will get us from the current hell we are experiencing, to a tolerable place........maybe even experience great happiness again. Will it ever be the same way as in the past? I don't think so, b/c life is ever changing, but that doesn't mean it can become wonderful again. The living have to keep on living, and you are still alive, Pack. Hurting, but still alive. You will come through the fire that's burning a hole in your heart.

What do I do about the separation? fight for a new agreement with lower pension or ask for shared custody, my God I have 1 month in the new job to test how often I can be here with them.

I've already expressed what I thought you should do. Don't fight her from getting a separation or divorce, if that's what she wants. Fight for equal custody and equal visitation with the kids. I won't get into the subject of grandparents, b/c I've already talked about it. Their time comes out of the parent's time. Listen to the legal advice of your lawyer. You have fought this more like you were fighting the separation/divorce. Just do what is fair about the kids, and if she is too greedy, then let your lawyer fight your case in court.

Sandi, I know you are harsh because you want me to succeed, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. I am not a bad man, I have no bad habits or dependencies and I just want my family back. Maybe I need a new 180, look ahead and say, there is no time in my life for those who dont want to be there.

Like I previously said, before there can be a future MR with her.........you have to let go of her. The old MR is over. You and your kids are your family now. You have to stop mentally including her, when you consider "family". I know, I sound crazy, but I don't know how to put it into better terms. It's not what you wanted, and it's not the best........but it is all you can do at this time. You must adapt to her not being part of your life, so that you can heal. Even if she moved back with you today......do you think everything would be fine? Do you think you would instantly be healed? No! It just doesn't work that way. She must have a long time to find herself, and it needs to be without you. The more you try to be in her life at this time, the less likely she will ever get over her anger......and the less chance the two of you will even be on friendly terms in the distant future. Currently, don't even try to be friends. Okay? It won't work, and you need to cut all emotional ties with her. Just keep it civil, and business.

Well, I feel like I am going in circles repeating myself. Saying too much, isn't necessarily saying it clearly.

((hugs))