Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[cardinal]

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope you have found some way to treat yourself today and in the coming days. I cobbled together stems from several places to make a beautiful bouquet (I wish I could arrange some for you, too, Kindly!), and—may, wooba, wayfarer, HesAble—I bought pillow shams H would probably hate. I'm working on polishing off that chocolate cake I made last weekend.

Ah, DnJ, the first question that popped into my head after reading your thoughtful response: Well, what if H isn't going through an MLC? I don't know his true mind and heart, even though as you say, it's natural to project to some extent once you've known someone so closely for so long. But then I suppose this applies either way:

Their journey is emotional, feeling and emotions cranked to 11, and drowning out reason, logic, and rational thought. There are times when the emotions subside for a bit, and they peek out, and then sink back into the mire.

Isn't that the WAS in general? I also have a bit of trouble imagining H caught in a swirl of feelings and emotions—he's always seemed to operate rationally, by a sometimes cold logic. But then... I think, well, part of the issue is that he's been suppressing emotions for so long. So why not? And it seems totally possible that the WAS could think they are making decisions based on simple logic, but they are actually driven so much by emotion, or by the need to run from feelings or by an inability to fully or partially acknowledge or understand them. Rather than sit with uncomfortable or often contradicting thoughts and feelings, it seems easier to switch back to a kind of black and white logic, which also act as justifications for their exits. (Hmm... maybe this is the opposite of what I've been trying to do, which is to use rational thinking to better understand and examine my thoughts and feelings, rather than to avoid them or ignore them.)

Another part of my journey is noticing that my brain automatically seems to pick the scenario that is least optimistic or generous to me, which is I think a weird way that my brain thinks it's protecting me.

I've experienced more anxiety this week, and then I woke up today surprised to feel that calm resolve again—that, no matter what happens, H and I aren't done. Sometimes I try to create that feeling, try to reason myself into why it might be possible, but when I experience it like this, it's different. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's not something I reasoned or hoped. It's just there, as if separate from me.

The unknown - embrace it. Do a 180. Look forward to whatever the future is bringing.

This goes against the way I am wired! Worry about Look forward to whatever the future is bringing. Which just means it's going to be a challenging 180, but not impossible.