Look at R2C's last post on the previous page, that is pure gold. Every word of it. Not to take away from the other great advice you're getting from Ovr, DonH, CWarrior, etc. But man R2C nailed it.
Originally Posted by firemann
* She then proceeded to unload every kid expense incurred over the past month saying it was killing her. I told her it sounded like she was overwhelmed. She said I had no idea how hard it is for her to keep it together financially.
That was a good validating response. Validation is the way to go here. She's fishing for more money, you're not taking the bait.
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I then stated: if we'd split the kids up, I could shoulder more of these expenses.
The two of you really need to get a written agreement in place and stop having these conversations. Work out the financials and the custody and get it in writing. Once that's done, then you give her X dollars a month for support and whatever she does with it is her business. If she blows it on booze and cigarettes in the first week and then whines she can't pay for food and shoes for the kids for the next 3 weeks, well her reckless money mismanagement is her problem, not yours. If it gets to the point where the kids are endangered, then you go to court to get full custody. This is a part of splitting a family up. Guess what, she's not rolling in someone else's cash anymore, get used to it!
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She replies "you buy and do whatever you want and I get to take [so and so out] on dates. I replied, "none of that is true. I am currently supporting 2 households".
You slip back and forth between validating and passive/aggressive responses. Try to stick to validating. "I am sorry you are feeling frustrated about all of this."
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She states I've never appreciated what she does for the kids. I replied: I always have, but maybe not the clearest way you'd see it.
"That must have been difficult on you to feel that way."
Remember, validation doesn't mean you are AGREEING with her. Not at all! You're just acknowledging her feelings. Even if you don't want her back it's good for laying the groundwork for a more peaceful co-parenting relationship.
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She states "...but not enough to take the financial burden off me when it would be so easy for you to do so. You have no idea how hard this is" I replied "I can see this is extremely challenging to hold things together".
Back to validating, good! And again, I like how you didn't let yourself get baited into a conversation about giving her more money.
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It's pretty clear to me - her keeping the kids means 1) inflicting pain on me by barring me from them and 2) more support $$$.
Here is what needs to be clear to you- your goal is 50-50 custody and agreeable terms on support. That's it. Don't let bitterness creep into this. Don't let your judgment be clouded by what you think she may be doing. Maybe she's being vindictive, maybe not. It doesn't matter because she can't control you anymore! Unless you let her of course, which I think you still are to some extent.
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She has to realize - divorce doesn't mean that you have to finance your former spouse and make sure she has her complete married lifestyle. You wanted to be independent? WELL, HERE YOU GO.
Try to keep emotions out of it and look at this all as a business transaction. The romance part of the R is over and now you are unwinding things. She doesn't "have to realize" anything, and probably won't. She's still stuck in blame mode and will be for a very long time. That is HER problem. Don't let her drag you down there!
