Starting the process

[AndrewP]

One of the best pieces of advice that I was given going in to my divorce was to look at it as a business deal and take the emotion out of it.

One of my goals was to have things as simple and final as possible. We went through what's called a Collaborative Divorce. For the lawyers as I think someone else suggested on this thread - it's another day at the office. Fill in the forms with the standard clauses, get the signatures and move on. To change that, you have to have a clear idea of what you want and what you are willing to let go.

Also - don't expect your STBX to be prepared to have anything put together or to actually assist in the process. Some are very prepared, but the sort we see here aren't and generally have a sense of entitlement and an unwillingness to do any actual work on a settlement any more than they were willing to work on the marriage.

For background, when my ex left the house, she gutted it pulling out much of the furniture, all of the more valuable antiques, artwork and collectibles. "Stuff".

I knew that while she may have loved this house, that she had plans to move in with OM (didn't happen for years) and couldn't maintain it.

There were lots of forms to fill out for financial disclosure etc and little to my surprise she didn't but showed up with random scraps of paper with numbers on them.

Prior to the negotiations I met with my bank and got pre-authorized for the largest amount that they would grant me against the household equity.

When the lawyers got to the point where they were filling out the forms and asking for signatures on values to be transferred, I stopped the process to make my pitch.

So - I made three proposals:
1 - Cash settlement based on the equity in the house
2 - Cash settlement including household equity plus a large amount of my pensions transferred to her
3 - Split between cash and spousal support for a fixed amount of time

Part of the deal was a blanket statement that the value of what she removed from the marital home (and bank accounts) was roughly equal to what she left behind. The phrase I used that my lawyer liked was that I didn't want to waste time or money looking for nickels in the couch cushions.

One condition was that any deal was to be considered final and would not be re-opened for any reason. My assumption was that her greed and expectation that she could have OM's money and mine along with a very real fear of her affair being the topic of a court battle would make her not want to fight.

She took a modified version of proposal #3. My lawyer I think hurt herself kicking me under the table whispering "take it take it take it".

I bought her out of the house, got a great deal on some new original art at a charity auction (I had - ahem - more than a bit of wine) and have moved on with my life.

Over-all I think it cost me about 8 grand in legal fees including the money to buy out the house, mostly because I believed that my lawyer cared and sent her emails asking for opinions.