If it were me and I was looking at these three, the first two are big issues. The over-spending $$ could be an issue, depending on your situation. Not moving on with your life... well... you'll do that eventually.
I agree, if things were set with the kids I would be feeling a lot better. The money part is much less important, but still important.
Originally Posted by may22
But, I see the first two as major reasons to speed things up from where I sit. #1 would terrify me, honestly. #2 makes me mad on your behalf (also your kids). The idea that offering a few extra hours on a weekday afternoon *if* your boss signed off on flex time is just ridiculous. I know a few other posters have mentioned the "right of first refusal" so that definitely might be something for you to be thinking about-- you get 50/50 straight custody and she can choose to pick them up from school and bring them to your house at 5 pm or whatever rather than have them be in after school care. I think I mentioned this previously, but my neighbors do this-- the mom's work schedule is shifted a lot earlier than the dad's, so she picks them up from school, brings them to his house and actually feeds them dinner before he gets home on some of his nights. Otherwise, they stay in after school care and he gets them on his way home from work.
#1 does terrify me. She confuses me. She says I'm a safety risk, yet I have them 4 straight nights every 2 weeks. Back in December I thought we had an agreement to have 2 more nights a month, and she backed away quickly and said she never agreed.
I might consider 50-50 with the right of first refusal. I'm not sure though. She has mentioned that before. I think some baseline trust needs to be established. As it stands, the safety risk talk and other things with my kids worry me a lot. I'm not sure I want her coming to my home regularly. I don't see why I can't have them in an after-school program 1 day every 2 weeks if I need a couple hours of help.
Originally Posted by may22
I guess I'm still not seeing how having Ls involved if you stick in the mediation route, just L-assisted, is not respectful or honorable. I mean, if you get a good attorney, this is their JOB. This is what they do for a living all day long. And they have seen it all and should be able to advise both of you appropriately. It seems to me like tapping into that expertise (again, as long as it is the right person with a mindset you agree with) is only a good thing, especially in your situation where you are just so, so far apart in the first place. If you guys were both talking about 50/50 split and needing to sell the house, she just needed a few extra months of spousal support while she found someplace new-- OK. Mediation sounds dandy. Where you are right now... I just don't see how it is honorable or respectful, honestly, to either of you to pretend like mediation is going to get you to the end zone on its own.
I have no problem with L-assisted mediation. I think filing *and* going for support orders will come as a shock to my W and could light a fuse. I don't know. It doesn't prevent L-assisted mediation. I also would like to protect myself and still try to handle this amicably.
Your points about the effectiveness of mediation are exactly how I feel. We have only gone to 1 session. But MC for 6 months last year was effectively a form of mediation - working out a parenting schedule, some financial temporary agreements, etc. I just realized this is what is frustrating me so much... we have in a way been mediating for 7 months, and I'm not happy with the outcome. The first 6 months involved mediating with a counselor who wanted me to be soft and gentle and hope that my W would trust me over time. I feel "coached" to be submissive and passive.
Ugh... as much as I've learned here the last 9 months, I feel like I've learned nothing.
Originally Posted by may22
All that being said, I think it is very important that you make your own choice on this. I know you describe yourself as having a tendency to over-analyze things and have a hard time making a decision. I get this. is there some way you can help yourself to make that decision? This might be silly but maybe draw out a logic model or flow chart of decisions and potential outcomes or make a pros/cons list to your various options... anything to help you maybe visualize your options in a different way.
I really appreciate you saying this. I come here not to outsource my life decisions but to get feedback. Obviously everyone here knows I have major issues being decisive, and I know it frustrates some of the vets. It is my life and I have to live with my decision.
But to be honest, what is holding me back is worrying about HER reaction and worrying about how that may impact my kids. Maybe they will resent me if they see what happens to their mother. I know I cannot control those things, but it is really hard to let those go. Harder than letting my W go. The thought that I am not doing right by my kids keeps me up at night.
