-- IIRC, you did have some vets chime in a while back, who basically said lawyer up and hold on to you hat because this isn't going to be pretty. If you received similar advice right now, what would your reaction be?
I have a L at the ready, and I expect things will likely turn ugly.
Originally Posted by may22
-- Do you need to decide about the expensive after school activity now? Can you just say I don't think it is an appropriate time to be making these decisions until we figure out what is going on with money and schedules?
The deadline is tomorrow to sign up. I think the money/schedule issue is a big problem. But we are going to face many of these decisions while we sort out the details of the D, and can't punt on them all.
Originally Posted by may22
-- is she taking the kids on spring break without you?
No, the kids get 2 breaks. I am taking 1, she takes the other. She wanted a special travel budget for the breaks, I said no because we are spending way above our means and I think it is irresponsible.
Originally Posted by may22
--Can you wait until after the next mediation session to make up your mind? Are there certain things you might watch for specifically that could help you make up your mind? Not having been through these I don't know what it is like, but I'm wondering if you can state up front that you're concerned about the pace of progress and how very far apart you are, and that for you to feel safe about continuing in the process (since she's throwing around that kind of language, fair game for you too) you'd like to see some progress on one element so that you can trust she's open to true compromise?
It sounds like the earliest we can meet with the mediator again is 3 weeks from now, for boring reasons I won't explain.
I know it's only been one session, and we barely scratched the surface, but the longer this goes:
- the longer our existing situation establishes "precedent" - the longer I go seeing my kids less than I feel is right - the longer I go over-spending money and not moving on with my life
On the flip side, my W has little reason to push things forward.
I know that filing does not necessarily speed things up. If things really blow up and we go to court, it could slow things down.
Originally Posted by may22
--Have you been able to say what you want yet in meditation, or was it just her saying what she wanted and you listening?
Mostly the latter.
When I said I want more time with the kids, she offered a few hours on a weekday afternoon. And only if my boss signed off on the flex time for me, that I dropped the kids off later that evening, etc.
Originally Posted by may22
In terms of your W... I feel a bit as though she's a wild animal and you're circling her, giving in to her little demands (though not happy about it), testing her, wondering if you just do X or do Y she'll calm down and eat from your hand or go through the gate you want her to go or whatever. (Bad analogy, I know.) But... you can't control her and you definitely can't control whatever she has built up inside her head. You can file, you can not, you can give in to spring break, you can not... but ultimately, I doubt that anything you do will materially affect her thinking and behaviors. You need to figure out what is best for YOU and then just do it. If she flips that is on her and you couldn't have prevented it.
This is a good analogy. I think she truly believes I am a safety risk and she doesn't trust me (like a wild animal). I just think trying to appease her is doing no good.
So maybe I need to separate my desire to do this a respectful and honorable way (i.e., try to mediate amicably) from appeasing her. I find it REALLY hard to determine where that line is drawn. Food for thought I guess.
Originally Posted by may22
In honor of... I think it was Yail, who pointed out that the third, unknown option always ends up what happens... I think you are someone who *is* always open to the unknown and I would just encourage you to remain open to the possibilities as they may arise. And, trust yourself. You'll make the best decision you can, in the best interests of your kids and yourself, and with compassion for your W. That is a good thing.
Yup, the illusion of control. The fact is, this whole thing could blow up and my kids may resent me. Or things could turn out great. I have to be okay with whatever happens and enjoy my life regardless. I've been struggling with that lately.
