I’m reading the book the Solo Partner and because I’m short on time before mediation I skipped to a part that looked relevant on Pursuer - Withdrawer patterns.
I never knew that I was actually the distancer, I always thought i was the pursuer. But this makes sense. My wife would pursue, I would distance and get defensive to stop the pursuit with a counter attack until she would stonewall, which allowed me to stay distant. That is and was our pattern.
He writes about all the traits of a distancer and it nails me - some of what she is seeing as narcissism. All the traits of a pursuer nail her. We weren’t able to break that cycle soon enough in our relationship and it caused major issues (as the author describes) of resentment and anger until she gave up.
Now what is interesting is the role reversal, but according to the book that is common. And according to the book, I’ll pursue until I get what I want and then I’ll withdraw, which I guarantee that I also do. That’s why she’s not coming back. She can’t trust that i will change after cycles of this.
I’m desperate to save this thing. This is about to get interesting. I highly recommend the book by Phil DeLuca to anyone who thinks there is a pattern of pursuit and withdraw circling their relationship.
