Separated and facing divorce (Part 3)

[Ready2Change]

* She is apparently on numerous online dating sites.

Who cares is where you need to get to.

I’m hearing it from a few single friends. I’m trying to be detached but it does rub me the wrong way.

Best thing to do is tell them you would prefer not to know what W is doing. "That is her business, not mine."

It kind of makes me feel like she’s done, so why try?

Because it is the right thing to do. Especially for your kids. She has to be done and you have to be done. Then a new foundation can be built (if she has a change of heart).

She did mention she’s dating a lot and that “a lot of men lie about their actual height”. She said this on the way to our cars

Perfect place to validate.

and I just kind of smirked and said “yeah, I don’t know”

Better "how does that make you feel?"

She mentioned during mediation she is mad that I had another woman over. I am thinking - this happened months after she stated she was done and wanted a divorce.

This is why I believe you have a better chance then most to turn this around. It also makes things more complicated. Another opportunity to validate "I can understand why you would be angry"

I have a strengthening feeling to ask her to reconsider not moving.

It is better to let her go and let her realize the big mistake she has made and come begging you to take her back. Be the lighthouse.

I hinted around to this during reconciliation and she just shook her head and said she had to move because her current residence is being sold

Then absolutely do not ask. She already knows what you want. You already have your answer.

Maybe she will actually will miss me more when she moves.

This is what you want. It is all about how she feels. She needs to feel the feeling of missing you. It is a critical part of the process, but most LBS do just the opposite. Give her space.

I have urges to invite her out to somehow listen to her feelings so I can understand what’s going on inside her head. I realize she probably doesn’t know. I miss the old version of her and watching her cry in that mediation hearing was hard.

Your job is to be the emotional rock and let her express her feelings to you however she needs. Treat her like a cat, better yet a squirrel. Wait for her to come to you, then validate.

Dating/OLD - guys, avoiding this is going to be tough to impossible. I’m just going to throw out my thoughts on this...I struggle with this new person my WAS has become..

This is where love is a choice. You love her despite her poor choices and questionable behavior. Love her for who she is and not for what she does.

I like honing my skills in talking to women; the validation boost is addictive.

I am a "All is fair in love and war" guy. Hone your skills. I think many underestimate attractive power of "social proof".

I do have this spirit of getting even, as I know she’s online dating.

This is an area where you still need some personal growth. Good opportunity to learn some forgiveness skills.

I wonder when exactly I know I’ll be ready to date. Sometimes I feel strong and wanting to move on.

I believe there are different "types" of dating. I didn't start "dating" until the divorce paperwork was signed. Before that, I was out just enjoying life and meeting interesting people without any intentions of finding my "Next mate". Hooking up with people, even ONS, also complicates things if your goal is to R with W. I definitely was able to hone some skills that enhance my current relationship.

I do attend a divorce support group I found on meetup and they too suggest not dating during separation! They say if you do (and the vast majority does), go slow and make sure that both people know it’s light (going out for fun and it not becoming serious).

Wise people. I live in a small town, and all my initial dating was in the bigger town over. I did date a woman from the same church. Probably not the best choice, but we were divorced by then. I sifted through a lot of woman before finding one with the qualities I needed in long relationship. Open and Honest were at the top of my list.