WAW - is it too late?

[sandi2]

I see you have not posted since my post yesterday, so I'll continue.

Originally Posted by LH19
RVM

I’m really sorry you are here my friend.

Is a PA a dealbreaker for you?

Is the suspected OM married?

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

What are the sleeping arrangements?

1) Undecided right now. I'm trying to slow things down. I do still love her.

1. While going through this crisis period, don't get confused about the real issues that are at play here. In other words, some newbie H's think this is the time he should prove to his W how much he loves her. I'm here to tell you that would be a mistake, b/c of her wayward mindset. Her mind/heart is not interested in how much you love her. Frankly, she doesn't care, b/c her affair is her interest these days. She takes your love for granted.

So, what are the real issues that are currently at play? Betrayal, untrustworthy, manipulation, gaslighting, lies, unfaithfulness (at some level, you can count on it), deceit, lack of respect, resentment, rebellion (at some level), etc. I think you get the picture, and you know these issues have come from your W. Don't start second guessing yourself and think you are to blame for these behaviors from your W. Waywardness is a free will choice, and she can stop it whenever she decides to do the right thing. It may help if you understand how waywardness begins. It starts with her resentment toward you, and she holds on to that resentment. Long-term resentment breeds disrespect. A man wants to be respected. That's at the top of the list for him as a man. Now, the funny thing about the husband-wife relationship is that the wife's loving feelings and desire for her him, is determined by the level of respect she has in him as a man, and as a husband. If she harbors resentment and disrespect, her mental attitude become negative about her MR and she'll begin to show signs of rebellion. Usually she starts with small things, like subtle put-downs, rejecting him sexually, having a stinking attitude, etc. It gets a little worse over a course of time, and the man with NGS will make excuses for why she does this, but he doesn't put his foot down and stop it. Remember this, if you don't remember anything else: The wayward wife respects nothing......except strength. That's the starting line for your work. Am I making sense? She won't like it, but she'll have to respect it. As a man with NGS, that's an important fact you must get your head around. You won't save your M by trying to appease your WW. A WW is not going to like her nice-guy H who is trying to score brownie points. So, work on your self esteem. Realize your self worth. There are a several great men on the board who can talk-guy. You know what that is, right? It's when another guy tells you everything I've tried to say, only they can do it in one sentence.

2) Yes. But, I still don't have the conclusive proof it is him.

2. If you need proof for your own sanity, then get it. Don't get proof with the notions you will wave it in her face, prompting her into admitting the truth. It's true there are some WW's who might admit it, but usually they will lie and deny, even with proof staring them in the face. It is the craziness of the WW. Also, if you intend to confront her about an affair, you must have a plan that carries you past the point of confrontation. IMHO, the confrontation does nothing more than let her know you aware of something is going on. She'll ask questions to see just how much details you know, but don't ever reveal how much you know. Many H's seem to think the WW will feel regret, apologize, and want to work on the marriage. I've seen, maybe, a handful who are good enough actresses that they pull off this initial performance.......although they have no intentions of ending contact with the affair partner. It's nothing more than a stall, designed to fool the H and take the affair deeper underground. Sometimes, upon confrontation, the WW will tell her H that she doesn't know what she wants. This leaves him hanging, while she stays home and receives benefits of being his legal W........and she continues to get her thrills from the OM. The majority of cases I've seen on the board, is where the WW twists things around to blame her H for everything, and the confrontation leads to her "excuse" that the MR could never work, and she begins the next level, which is to separate. The popular way WW's do things these days, is to say they can't afford two physical homes, so they will have to live in a in-house separation, and they try to get the H to leave the MBR. She gets the family activities, but when it comes to her life outside the family.......it's strictly off limits to her H to even ask personal questions. She pretty much calls the shots.

3) Yes. I live in a no fault state.

3. Okay, have you checked to see about your rights to have the kids 50%, and who would pay child support? It never hurts to know where you stand legally.

4) Both currently sleeping in MBR. There is no physical contact. There were a few nights where I was so pissed off and anxious that I slept in another room.

It's a tough place to be, however, I hope if anyone moves out of the MBR, it will be her. As the man, the leader, and the faithful spouse, you need to stay in the marital bedroom, and the marital home, b/c of the representation. Just remember, until you get your own respect, she won't respect you. Until you get her respect, you won't have her love/desire. That's the way she is wired. Therefore, everything you do from this point forward, must be with the intent of gaining self respect, and her respect. Once she respects you as a man........her love will follow. Okay?

In our earlier talks, I told her that I would not accept infidelity and lying. I also told her I am not interested in just being married for the kids. But, I had nothing to back it up or made any real boundaries. I know I am being treated like a doormat right now. I have made a ton of NGS mistakes.

I assume you are familiar with book about NGS. It will probably be something you will always have to check yourself, but you can learn how to stop being a doormat, and other unattractive attributes that repel your W. Be sure to study about relationship boundaries, and personal boundaries. You need to understand how it works before you say something that backs you into a corner. I think the quote above was fine, and I really liked what you said about not staying married for the sake of the kids.

One more thing I want to caution you about is taking things you read from the board and passing on to your WW. It makes me cringe when I see a H crowing to his WW the message that was intended for his personal growth. It immediately clues her to know you are getting that snappy statement (or whatever) from some other place. Don't let her discover your sources of DB information, or see you watching videos, etc. These tools are for YOU, not her. The persona you need to have is a man of strength & honor, who will not put up with deceit, disrespect, betrayal, manipulation, etc. As a WW, that is what she needs to see in her H, in order to change her current opinion.

One of the most common things I've seen in H's, is their need to talk their WW back into the M. No, you can't talk her back through relationship discussions. You can't nice her back, either. Words really don't impress her, but actions do. We will talk more about that later.

This forum has helped so much explain what is going on in my W's head.

Glad to hear it. I have written several threads with that in mind, if you care to read them.